Last week I had the pleasure of helping organize a large-scale rummage sale — also known as a “yard sale” or “garage sale,” depending on your location and the amount of space set aside to unload items the proprietor no longer needs. Translation? The proprietor’s crap.
I say “pleasure” because this sale, in Chicago’s Hyde Park neighborhood, doubled as a fundraiser for breast cancer. The organizer has been hosting it, semi-annually, for years and this year’s haul was over $6,000.
How to Sell Games Nobody Plays Anymore
My first job was to sort used kids’ games. Rather, children’s games the original owners had outgrown. Saying, “used kids” implies somebody dropped their child off at the rummage sale with a price dangling from his or her ear.
I was also given authority to decide whether the game was worthy of a sale or should simply be thrown away. My decision-making process was simple: If the child models on the cover of the game box looked like, if you tracked them down today, they’d be living in retirement homes, then the game went into the garbage. Ditto for games featuring entire families on the cover. I mean, what dad plays a board game while dressed in a coat and tie, a cigarette wedged between his fingers? A dad from the 1960s, that’s who.
Yes, some “donations” dropped off by Hyde Park residents were, by my estimates, upward of 60 years old. We’re talking electronics that appeared to hit the market shortly after Ben Franklin discovered electricity; sporting equipment used in sports that are nearly extinct (squash anyone?); and dish sets undoubtedly washed by hand because dishwashers did not yet exist.
My last setup job of the day (rather, the evening) was to stand on the curb and graciously accept, with a smile, more donations. Even those like the ones I just described.
I did so but really wanted to tell some of these people to keep their treasures in their SUVs, drive to the nearest landfill and release the hatch.
A Journey Through Decades of Accumulated S–T
Somebody needs to stop these professional “donators” because they are rapidly multiplying. My ex-wife used to host an annual garage sale at our house and the same scenario unfolded. The night before the sale, neighbors we didn’t know stopped by and dropped the contents of their storage facilities on our driveway. Even more galling was they acted like they were dropping off a cancer cure. Their donations often came with sappy stories and fake tears that undoubtedly became tears of joy once they drove away, knowing they had just freed up space in their attics.
“Good evening,” a 70-something woman said as she pulled three pairs of cross country skis and one set of ski poles from her trunk. “I heard you were having a sale and I thought these could use a good home. My boys got SO much joy out of them, but they are grown now and the skis have been sitting in my basement for about 10 years gathering dust.”
Dust and mouse droppings, I realized upon closer inspection.
All these donations were in “perfect working condition” if “perfect” meant a rusty nail protruding from a sled. Or a lawn mower that hadn’t been started since the Carter administration. Or glass canning jars that still reeked of either pickle juice or formaldehyde from a junior high science project.
Effective Immediately: New Rules for Yard Sale ‘Donators’
It’s high time those of us who take the time and effort to host rummage sales, and donate proceeds to worthy causes, rein in these people who could easily appear on an episode of “Hoarders.” Here are a few suggested rules:
1. You are allowed a maximum number of items to donate. That number is three.
2. You must prove your item is in perfect working condition by using it in front of us. That might mean slipping that sweater over your head that you know is covered in moth larvae.
3. You must provide the organizer with your address. Because if the item doesn’t sell, said organizer reserves the right to return it to your driveway. Consider it a “donation.”
Failure to abide by any of these rules means your items are not accepted and should be disposed of elsewhere. Go find the nearest industrial dumpster and hoist them inside.
But before doing that, can you swing by my condominium? I have a few items to “donate.” Thank you for supplying the vehicle and the gas.
