For years I have kept my innermost thoughts on one particular subject in check. While there have been multiple situations — particularly at family gatherings and dinner parties — where I’ve wanted to challenge my friends or relatives and make them justify their support for this “thing” they adore, I’ve relented. Why? Because I value relationships more than opinion, however misguided these opinions are.

But I can’t remain silent any longer. So here goes:

I hate peas.

Peas vs. Politicians: At Least One of Them Term-Limits Itself

Oh, you thought I was going down a political road, right? Heck no. Politicians eventually disappear. They opt not to seek reelection. They are defeated at the polls. They die. They resign or get impeached. They…wait, now I’m fantasizing.

Peas, on the other hand, have no term limits. They first appear when we are sitting in high chairs prior to our first birthdays and our moms are shoving the strained variety between our lips using colorful spoons.

It only gets worse from there.

The Vegetables I’ve Learned to Love (Just Not This One)

Sure, I hated most vegetables growing up. What kid doesn’t? The mere smell of asparagus made me gag. Brussels sprouts? They were my dad’s favorite vegetable, meaning I had to choke them down on his birthday when he got to plan the family dinner menu — a longstanding Schwem birthday tradition. I, too, had a favorite vegetable that was always prevalent when my birthday rolled around. Tomatoes. On pizza.

Over the years I’ve grown to like most vegetables I detested as a kid. I discovered hollandaise sauce can make asparagus the star of a meal. Drizzle balsamic vinegar and garlic over Brussels sprouts and toss them in a conventional oven or air fryer? Delicious.

Why Peas Are the Worst Vegetable to Cook With

Peas are annoying from the get-go. Try dumping them on a baking sheet. Immediately the little buggers scatter in all directions. It’s as if they are saying, “before you eat us, you have to catch us.”

That’s another thing I hate about peas; they roll. Accidentally drop one or two on the floor when preparing them and you’re likely to find them months later beneath your kitchen cabinetry or maybe in an adjoining room. 

My Girlfriend’s Split Pea Soup and My Exorcist Problem

Not everyone shares my disdain for peas. My girlfriend LOVES them and often tells me of her affinity for split pea soup, which she has offered to make for me on numerous occasions. My “no thank you” response always includes references to “The Exorcist.”

Still considered one of cinema’s most disturbing horror movies, the 1973 classic had several scenes featuring 13-year-old Linda Blair as Regan vomiting, you guessed it, pea soup. Not minestrone, clam chowder or french onion, for none of those look as disgusting. Heck, if sweet, innocent and temporarily devil-possessed little Regan barfed up tomato soup, I might have started craving a grilled cheese sandwich in the theater. Instead, I craved a toilet.

What ChatGPT Told Me to Do With Peas

Figuring there HAD to be a reason why so many individuals like peas, I turned to ChatGPT and queried, “What can you make with peas?” Responses ranged from spring pea risotto to smashed peas on toast to green pea hummus. Hard pass on the last one; I love hummus and can’t imagine ruining it with my most hated vegetable.

Smashed peas on toast sounded interesting but only because of the title. The idea of pulverizing peas with a kitchen utensil or, better yet, my fist before consuming them appealed to me. But I still can’t bring myself to partake.

The One Non-Food Use for Peas

I vaguely recall my ex-wife putting bags of frozen peas on her breasts. Apparently doing so helps relieve post-nursing pain. I wouldn’t know about that, but what other vegetable serves a purpose that doesn’t involve eating it? Nobody has ever told me to rub lima beans on my aching joints following a gym workout.

I don’t see my disdain for peas changing at this point, despite ChatGPT’s insistence that I sautee them in garlic and butter. I will continue moving them to the side of my plate or “accidentally” dropping them on the floor and not caring where they end up. 

One more thing…you can’t spell “impeach” without “pea.”