Several columns ago, I wrote about the need to, after 30 years, toss my resume into the job pool due to the COVID-19 pandemic. While I have yet to receive any employment offers, I have identified a new career path, one that requires only a mask, sterile gloves, and a willingness to stand for eight…
DetailsThe ongoing stay-at-home order has forced most of us to seek amusement by posting photos of ourselves from bygone eras to our social media accounts. “Share your high school senior picture” was trending last week; a challenge I was about to undertake until I read how doing so could invite hackers to glean more information…
DetailsThe COVID-19 crisis and the ensuing “shelter in place” order in Illinois has forced every Schwem family member to either learn new skills or revisit old ones. My oldest daughter assembles timeworn Disney puzzles while she waits to start a job she had secured just prior to the outbreak but may no longer exist. My…
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune syndicate and Medium. For 30 years I’ve made my living as a standup comedian. I’ve stood on iconic stages including the Grand Ole Opry and the Chicago Theatre. I’ve gazed out at crowds as large as 10,000 and as small as six. We won’t talk about the…
DetailsMy friend Sam and I recently dined at my neighborhood Chipotle, the fast-ish Mexican food chain that seems to be challenging Starbucks for supremacy in the “How long before you see one?” game. I added the “ish” because, although I assume my order will be prepared quickly, the reverse is often true, usually because the…
DetailsMy stomach sounds like a cross between a jackhammer and a slow draining sink. From the next room, I hear my dog chomping away on her breakfast, consisting of the same menu — brown, beef-flavored nuggets — that she consumes every morning of her life. I’m envious. It may be my imagination, but my social…
DetailsYes, we should all take precautions, as, currently, that is the only way to avoid the virus. However, it does not mean we should, not so subtly, move far away from that guy in the hotel elevator just because a pesky nose hair caused him to sneeze between the 15th floor and the lobby.
DetailsFor the past 10 years, or so, my wife and I have hosted the neighborhood for the Big Game. I usually skip church that morning, for my pot of Cincinnati chili requires eight hours of preparation. Instead of listening to my pastor, I listen to Super Bowl pregame, which, conveniently, begins about eight hours before kickoff.
DetailsAs America trudged back to work following the 2019 Christmas and New Year’s holidays, I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone did so enthusiastically. Yes, a new year always brings with it an aura of mystery, coupled with excitement about what might lie ahead. And face it, it’s fun to say, “twenty-twenty.” But are we…
DetailsI’ve seen shorter lines at Disney World. My kids never braved lines like this to cavort with Santa. Lines at airports to rebook flights cancelled by January blizzards seem tame by comparison. And, yet, nobody, sans me, seemed to mind waiting for Pizza al Taglio, chilled tiramisu or nitrogen gelato
Details’ve convinced myself I’m just not an ideal candidate for anything other than an old-fashioned wallet that includes plastic sleeves for inserting pictures of children. I’m proud to say all those photos have been moved to my iPhone. Just give me a minute while I feverishly swipe through my photos app to find a decent shot of my kids.
DetailsOthers fiercely defended Eilish, saying her musical influences and idols need not be from bygone eras. And yes, I just referred to 1984, when I was 22, as a “bygone era.”
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