The Pandemic, Measured in Coffee Cups and Costco Runs
For me, the quarantine began the day my wife returned from Costco, presented me with a 45-ounce container of Dunkin Donuts Medium Roast Original Blend coffee and said, “That ought to hold you.”
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Read MoreThe Pandemic, Measured in Coffee Cups and Costco Runs
Sorry YouTube, My Life in a Day is not that Interesting Right Now
Had YouTube chosen July 22 to conduct “Life in a Day,” I could have wowed Macdonald with a happy birthday Facetime call I made to my 84-year-old aunt in Michigan. Yes, that was on my calendar. All by itself.
Five Reasons You Gained the COVID 15
Much like first-year college students must grapple with the freshmen 15, a 15-pound weight gain typically attributed to late night pizza orders, dime beer specials and unlimited dorm cafeteria desserts, “the COVID 15” has become part of our physiques.
My Hammock is Available to the Highest Bidder
Since receiving it for Father’s Day many years ago, my hammock has been the source of unbridled pleasure. And naps. The hammock is that dangling carrot that awaits me after mowing my lawn in sweltering heat.
Polarization Means “Do as you Please”
The Cambridge dictionary defines freedom as “the condition or right of being able or allowed to do, say, think, etc. whatever you want to, without being controlled or limited.” And my, oh my, are we getting good at it.
The Lunch my High School Graduate Never Got to Eat
My youngest daughter is a member of the now infamous high school class of 2020; her days of carrying a lunch to school were ending this year. My wife, the chief lunch maker, and I, her faithful substitute, knew it.
Fast Forward to New Year’s Eve…Please?
2020 has already assumed its place as the worst year in modern history — even Depression-era survivors didn’t have to wear masks — so I don’t anticipate any pushback. We’ve almost made it halfway and that should be enough.
Harvard Medical, My (eventually) faulty heart needs you to reopen
Imagine undergoing an operation and seeing not a team of medical personnel, but a lone physician staring down at you. While trying to connect to a Zoom meeting.
In a Post- Pandemic World, I Am your Elevator Operator From Hell
Several columns ago, I wrote about the need to, after 30 years, toss my resume into the job pool due to the COVID-19 pandemic. While I have yet to receive any employment offers, I have identified a new career path,…
We Know that Photo is From the Pandemic
The ongoing stay-at-home order has forced most of us to seek amusement by posting photos of ourselves from bygone eras to our social media accounts. “Share your high school senior picture” was trending last week; a challenge I was about…
Liam Neeson Will Help Me Find a Job
The COVID-19 crisis and the ensuing “shelter in place” order in Illinois has forced every Schwem family member to either learn new skills or revisit old ones. My oldest daughter assembles timeworn Disney puzzles while she waits to start a…
Hire A Virtual Comedian. I Can Still Hear You Laughing
For 30 years I’ve made my living as a standup comedian. I’ve stood on iconic stages including the Grand Ole Opry and the Chicago Theatre. I’ve gazed out at crowds as large as 10,000 and as small as six. We…
Face it, We Are All Living in One Giant Chipotle
My friend Sam and I recently dined at my neighborhood Chipotle, the fast-ish Mexican food chain that seems to be challenging Starbucks for supremacy in the “How long before you see one?” game. I added the “ish” because, although I…
Time Moves Very Slowly When You’re Fasting
My stomach sounds like a cross between a jackhammer and a slow draining sink. From the next room, I hear my dog chomping away on her breakfast, consisting of the same menu — brown, beef-flavored nuggets — that she consumes…
Yo Disney Mom, I Don’t Have Coronavirus
Yes, we should all take precautions, as, currently, that is the only way to avoid the virus. However, it does not mean we should, not so subtly, move far away from that guy in the hotel elevator just because a pesky nose hair caused him to sneeze between the 15th floor and the lobby.