This Long Cool Woman is a Fat Mess
I consider myself “a closet rock star,” meaning I belt out songs at the top of my lungs, but am too ashamed to do so publicly, even at a karaoke bar. Part of my fear stems from knowing I am…
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In a Dog’s World, I am a Very Bad Boy
I was recently bitten by a dog, a traumatic experience I hesitate to recount in print because I am not interested in sympathy or compassion. The dog, on the other hand, has received plenty of both. It happened on a…
I Thought My Suburb Would Be Overrun by Now
Maybe it’s time I head outside and mow my lawn. I fear my neighbors are losing patience, as they spend sweltering weekends cutting, trimming, and weeding, resulting in perfectly green, manicured grass soft enough for bare feet. Conversely, my “lawn”…
Sometimes When We Touch…Bad Things Happen
“Do you mind if I touch you?” I asked my wife one evening after dinner. “Not at all,” she replied with a soft giggle. “You’re sure?” “Yes, I’m sure.” But the giggle had disappeared. “There will be no negative ramifications…
As Parents, Have We Allowed Our Children to Become Royal Pains?
Maybe it’s time to admit that, when it comes to discipline, our skills as parents have disappeared faster than a toddler’s attention span. Princess Kate Middleton recently found herself under the disciplinarian microscope when a hilarious, yet uncomfortable video emerged…
Mass Shooting Solutions Have Become a Sales Job
A well-known joke has a man applying for a retail sales job and insisting to the manager that he can sell anything to anybody. “Prove it,” the skeptical manager responds, nodding to a customer who has just entered the establishment.…
Cell Phone Users, Do You Suffer from “Scroll-iosis?”
I have a request, no, a plea, to cell phone manufacturers and software developers obsessed with phone memory. Please stop. You are the primary cause of an annoying disease I refer to as “scrolliosis.” Those who suffer from it, and…
My New Diet Includes a Thesaurus
It’s not the first time I have tried to obtain a better shape via attractive sounding nutritional titles. I strode into a vitamin store recently and walked out with something called “Serious Mass.” It’s a product that, judging by the physiques of other guys buying it, would make my neck the size of my thighs.
ESPN, you owe Moe a Free Lunch
I have recently begun answering those “how did we do?” customer satisfaction surveys that flood my inbox mere seconds after communicating with a service agent. Sometimes the agent warns me of the impending email and even suggests how I…
Sorry Internet; My Password Well Has Run Dry
“Hello! Thank you for downloading our app, which requires a password, is guaranteed to take up valuable memory on your phone and ensure that, if you ever have a problem with our company, you now have the tools to solve…
Sex and Rescue all in One Apple Watch
I recently bought an Apple Watch, and now there’s a small part of me that hopes I get knocked unconscious in a forest. It might be the only way I can justify the expense. I owe my $400 purchase to…
The One Day Workweek. Because, Why Not?
Aw, heck, let’s just work one day a week. I mean, we’re all overstressed, burned out, mentally exhausted and up in arms that receiving paychecks requires us to do something other than attend spin classes whenever we feel like it.…
Learning Spanish Because I’m Selfish
I have vowed to make 2022 the year I learn a second language, a goal I will achieve for purely selfish reasons. I should already be bilingual, as it would place me in the company of, by some estimates, more…
Santa Just Fired His Elves Via Zoom
The elves gathered around their home monitors at 2:40 p.m., per Santa’s emailed instructions. Unable to congregate in the main workshop or communicate face to face with their boss since COVID-19 struck the North Pole in March 2020, they wearily…
Searching for Inner Peace (and a bathroom) in Central Park
When it comes to visiting New York City, my trip doesn’t officially end until I have strolled through Central Park, regardless of the temperature or the condition of my feet. I have walked alone and with friends who call New…