Learning Spanish Because I’m Selfish
I have vowed to make 2022 the year I learn a second language, a goal I will achieve for purely selfish reasons. I should already be bilingual, as it would place me in the company of, by some estimates, more…
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Santa Just Fired His Elves Via Zoom
The elves gathered around their home monitors at 2:40 p.m., per Santa’s emailed instructions. Unable to congregate in the main workshop or communicate face to face with their boss since COVID-19 struck the North Pole in March 2020, they wearily…
Searching for Inner Peace (and a bathroom) in Central Park
When it comes to visiting New York City, my trip doesn’t officially end until I have strolled through Central Park, regardless of the temperature or the condition of my feet. I have walked alone and with friends who call New…
Metallica is Gonna Help Me Start a Band
A picture of the four guys, with looks ranging from “We will physically beat up any struggling student” to “We don’t really need the money, do we?” accompanied by the tagline: “MasterClass | Metallica Teachers Being a Band,” was too intriguing to pass up.
The Pitter Patter of Little, ‘Squid Game’-Inspired Feet
My wife and I have no plans to conceive another child for two reasons: our advanced baby making ages and the fact that I don’t want my new son or daughter to have a friend named “Squid Game.” The oddly…
I Am Your Gluten-Free, Step-Counting Guest from Hell
World, I’m warning you: I am now gluten free. So if you see me, walk the other direction. You will thank me later. Then again, I probably won’t see you. Chances are, I’ll be squinting at a food ingredients label…
A Retirement Speech From Someone Too Young to Retire
Hi, Instagram! It’s Andrew. I have some, how should I say, personal news. But before I get into that, please “like” my page” and also follow me on YouTube, Twitter, Snapchat and TikTok. Oh, and I’ll have more details about…
All Hail the Air Fryer, AKA the Oven for People Who Live Alone
As fall beckons, I am beginning my yearly quest to shed those summer pounds using any method save the most obvious: Eat less food. I’ve heard the process of shoving fewer calories into my mouth produces wonderful results. Newly svelte…
Health Improvement Via the Honor System
I strolled into the small, empty health improvement store one humid Tuesday morning seeking a CBD-infused topical lotion for my aching back. “Strolled” is probably an overstatement; “gingerly crept” is more accurate. Back pain has that affect. Music from…
I Want My Own Amazon Spaceship
It never fails. All the good Father’s Day gift ideas appear after the holiday. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I loved the barbecue tools and swimmer’s headphones that my wife and daughters gifted me last month. But had I…
I’m No Online Doctor and Neither are You
This online doctor column can also be found via Medium or Tribune Content Agency I swore I would never self-diagnose myself on the internet. But the pandemic made us all do weird stuff. A random sneeze, a cough or a…
Chicken Wings and Tuna Fish: Will Pandemic Weirdness Ever End?
In case you need further proof that 2021 is every bit as nutty as its predecessor, need I remind you that in June alone, we discovered our president likes to whisper when he makes a point. We saw a once…
Pandemic, You Weren’t All Bad
My buddy Tom called from New York and began reeling off his post-pandemic leisure schedule for the week: barbecue on Saturday, an old friend coming to town Sunday, his pool league on Monday. He paused momentarily. “This whole ‘getting back…
My Vaccination Prize Should, At the Very Least, Include Lawn Care
When it comes to luck, my sense of timing could not be worse. If one lane on a congested interstate suddenly starts moving at normal speed, I just moved to the other lane, and am now sandwiched between two semis,…
Forty Years Later, I Will Be the Most Instagram-able Dude in High School
I recently contracted a social media manager, which is a business-y phrase for “paying somebody to make me more popular on Instagram.” Jeremy’s duties were clear: Figure out how to increase exposure for my streaming television show, A Comedian Crashes…