I’m a Wanted Man at Buc-ees
Time for my annual end-of-year reflections and, when warranted, confessions. Regarding the latter, I have a big one this year; one that has haunted me since I committed a crime. Up until now, in my 62 years of life, I…
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I’m a Boob for Online Shopping at these Websites
This column originally appeared as part of the ”Humor Hotel’ series for Tribune Content Agency. ’Tis the season for inadvertently clicking on online shopping offers from merchants and spending the weeks leading up to Christmas firmly in their crosshairs. In…
Bootcamp and Other Words and Phrases to Avoid as You Age
BARRE BOOTCAMP! The phrase screamed at me as I entered my health club shortly after 5 a.m. last week. Written in blue marker on a whiteboard, “barre,” for those not familiar with ballet, is the horizontal bar dancers grip while…
Swim Naked, Swim Fully Clothed, Feel Better
Imagine treading water wearing a business suit. Blue jeans. A sweater. Or whatever you chose to wear when you left the house that morning. Unless you’re at a pool party, and alcohol aided your decision to enter the water, you’re…
How I Bathed, Cooked, Cleaned and Slept My Way Through Election Night
My cell rang about 2 p.m. on Nov. 5, some three hours before election polls closed on the East Coast. “What network are you watching tonight?” my friend asked. “I’m watching CNN. In fact, I put it on when I…
A Good Samaritan Became My Best Birthday Gift
Hey, it’s my birthday today! The sun is shining and the day should be full of nothing more than fun and possibilities. I’ll start my own personal celebration just as soon as I run a few errands. Let’s do it…
All These Pillows Are Ruining My Sleep
I am struggling to keep my eyes open as I write this column, having just completed an overnight stay in North Carolina, which included a night of restful sleep. That’s correct; I slept great. The exhaustion occurred the following morning…
I’m Funnier than Artificial Intelligence. AI Just Told Me So
I have tried, since I first heard the term, to stay away from artificial intelligence. The problem is, artificial intelligence won’t stay away from me. If AI is not recommending an alternate restaurant to the one I was planning to…
Bare Bones and Natural Truths about Boneless Chicken Wings
Ohio, thank you for contributing to my upcoming chicken wing free diet The Buckeye State already has taken center stage now that J.D. Vance hopes to exchange the title “Ohio Senator” for “U.S. Vice President,” even if it means cozying…
Should the “Quiet” Subway Car Really Be Silent?
The man sat in the half-full subway car as the Chicago skyline whizzed by on a humid Thursday morning. Oblivious to the heat or the scenery, he was only interested in discussing his problems with the unseen and unheard voice…
Pass Your Phone to the Ballpark Vendor on the Aisle
I celebrated our nation’s birthday by taking in a ballgame at Wrigley Field, a ballpark known for its rich history, neighborhood location and, with the exception of 2016, long-suffering Chicago Cubs fans. Also, its silence. Oh, sure, Ian Happ brought…
Do you suffer from cinema fatigue syndrome?
I sat in my doctor’s office, weary from fatigue and yawning mightily as he entered. Noting my healthy color and firm handshake, he seemed perplexed. “So, what brings you here today?” he asked. “I think I’m suffering from CFS,” I…
Jokes Aside, The Rolling Stones are This Summer’s ‘Happy’ Tour
In Atlanta last week to visit relatives, I was fortunate to witness rock-and-roll immortality, courtesy of the Rolling Stones. Just a typical night hanging out with 80-year-old men. OK, two 80-year-old men in particular: Mick Jagger, the Stones’ ageless frontman,…
Wake Up, Have Sex, Nap: Why I Want to be a 17-Year Cicada
It was the sound I’d been anticipating, as I began a late afternoon May stroll on a golf course somewhere in East Tennessee. Thousands of cicadas, their wings furiously rubbing together, signaling that yes, they had emerged from their nymph-like…
Brought to My Knees – By Cheese
I yawned as I read the subject line in my inbox, this email courtesy of Jewel-Osco, my local grocery store. “We love hearing from our customers!” Like anyone who has made a recent retail purchase, be it kumquats, hemorrhoid cream…