My good friend Brad recently plunged headfirst into the online dating pool, having recently separated from his wife of 20-plus years. When we met for drinks one evening, he felt compelled to obsessively check his phone, his text alert tone…
Every few months one of those “List all the jobs you’ve ever had” requests appears in my Facebook feed and invites me to repost my answers. For the record, here goes: Paper delivery boy Golf caddy Fuller Brush salesman (Google…
Do cars have feelings? This question haunts me whenever I am in the market for a new automobile. My BMW X5 is currently one month from its lease expiration. I know it, my bank knows it, and my BMW sales…
A word to those who have grown weary of the 24-hour news cycle, the blowhard TV pundits and the never-ending stream of political debate and current event analysis: Stay away from McDonald’s. I discovered this as I attempted to, for…
The reply hit my inbox a full three days after I had emailed a contract requiring a simple electronic signature, a legally binding image created after the world got tired of searching for pens. The contract was attached along with…
Can Donald Trump gain tomato status with the author? Or will he forever be a lima bean?
My wife and I sat in our respective chairs, enduring a barrage of holiday commercials when Santa suddenly appeared on the TV, gushing over some state-of-the-art vacuum that, according to him, was the perfect Christmas gift. “We need a new…
A new Christmas tradition in the Schwem household unexpectedly surfaced Thanksgiving night when my wife was channel-hopping and stumbled upon the Hallmark Channel. Yes, we knew the greeting card company owned a television network, and we help pay for its…
I set my alarm 90 minutes before my normal wake up time. I secured my place in line two hours before the doors opened. I rehearsed, discarded and reformulated my introductory comment repeatedly. Should I open with a personal memory?…
Now that the world is slowly coming to grips with the fact that Donald J. Trump will be our next Commander N. Chief, I have a message for our nation’s television salespeople: “Be afraid. Be very afraid.” If you work…