Maybe it’s time I head outside and mow my lawn. I fear my neighbors are losing patience, as they spend sweltering weekends cutting, trimming, and weeding, resulting in perfectly green, manicured grass soft enough for bare feet. Conversely, my “lawn” is a waist-high amalgam of crabgrass, chickweed, creeping charlie and dandelions. Village inspectors keep driving…
Details“Do you mind if I touch you?” I asked my wife one evening after dinner. “Not at all,” she replied with a soft giggle. “You’re sure?” “Yes, I’m sure.” But the giggle had disappeared. “There will be no negative ramifications or consequences if I place my hand anywhere on your body?” I asked, extending my…
DetailsMaybe it’s time to admit that, when it comes to discipline, our skills as parents have disappeared faster than a toddler’s attention span. Princess Kate Middleton recently found herself under the disciplinarian microscope when a hilarious, yet uncomfortable video emerged starring her youngest child, 4-year-old Prince Louis and fifth in line of succession to the…
DetailsA well-known joke has a man applying for a retail sales job and insisting to the manager that he can sell anything to anybody. “Prove it,” the skeptical manager responds, nodding to a customer who has just entered the establishment. Within minutes, the customer exits the store with a top-of-the-line fishing pole, a tackle box…
DetailsI have a request, no, a plea, to cell phone manufacturers and software developers obsessed with phone memory. Please stop. You are the primary cause of an annoying disease I refer to as “scrolliosis.” Those who suffer from it, and in turn cause those around then to suffer even more, are serial scrollers. In layman’s…
DetailsIt’s not the first time I have tried to obtain a better shape via attractive sounding nutritional titles. I strode into a vitamin store recently and walked out with something called “Serious Mass.” It’s a product that, judging by the physiques of other guys buying it, would make my neck the size of my thighs.
DetailsI have recently begun answering those “how did we do?” customer satisfaction surveys that flood my inbox mere seconds after communicating with a service agent. Sometimes the agent warns me of the impending email and even suggests how I should respond: “Mr. Schwem you are going to receive a brief survey asking you to…
Details“Hello! Thank you for downloading our app, which requires a password, is guaranteed to take up valuable memory on your phone and ensure that, if you ever have a problem with our company, you now have the tools to solve it yourself. Which is why, on our website, you will not find any kind of…
DetailsI recently bought an Apple Watch, and now there’s a small part of me that hopes I get knocked unconscious in a forest. It might be the only way I can justify the expense. I owe my $400 purchase to Apple’s latest commercials spotlighting the watch’s Emergency SOS and Location Services features. In a single…
DetailsAw, heck, let’s just work one day a week. I mean, we’re all overstressed, burned out, mentally exhausted and up in arms that receiving paychecks requires us to do something other than attend spin classes whenever we feel like it. Never mind that our parents, their parents, and their parents’ parents clocked in at 9…
DetailsI have vowed to make 2022 the year I learn a second language, a goal I will achieve for purely selfish reasons. I should already be bilingual, as it would place me in the company of, by some estimates, more than 40 percent of the world’s citizens who can converse in something other than their…
DetailsThe elves gathered around their home monitors at 2:40 p.m., per Santa’s emailed instructions. Unable to congregate in the main workshop or communicate face to face with their boss since COVID-19 struck the North Pole in March 2020, they wearily clicked the Zoom link Santa provided. Soon, Santa’s grainy image appeared. The elves were perplexed.…
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