Get in Line! Here’s How It’s Done
Welcome to the School of How to Correctly Form a Line. Please find your seats and let’s get started. I’d have you all line up, but clearly, you are incapable of doing that, which is why you have been ordered…
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My (hopefully) viral moment with Tiger Woods
My favorite part of the day is first thing in the morning when I open my various inboxes and social media accounts to see what landed there during the night. Typically the contents determine how I will approach the days…
Shed Those Pounds Through Sex and Vacuuming!
My wife was scrubbing what remained of the Easter dishes when I approached from behind, spun her around and planted a kiss on her lips. “Why, thank you,” she said. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” I said nothing…
Much Ado About a Dead Terrorist
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST APRIL 3, 2013 Osama bin Laden is dead, right? The Navy SEALS took care of him. Didn’t they? I’m asking only because conflicting accounts are emerging as to how bin Laden died. Not that…
Solving the budget crisis through fine dining
I still vividly recall my mother’s parting words every time a childhood friend invited me over for a meal: “Always say please.” “Remember to say thank you.” “Under no circumstances, ever say, ‘I don’t like.’” “But what if Steve’s mom…
Wanted: New ‘Today Show’ hosts. Must be great kissers
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST MARCH 27, 2013 Whoa, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse at The Today Show, along comes Joe Hagan and his no-holds-barred New York Magazine profile of the program and its current “family.” And…
Suggestions for the new Papal website
I applaud Chicago attorney Chris Connors’ recent decision to donate the Internet domain name popefrancis.com to the new pontiff. While it’s not clear if church officials will accept Connors’ offer, they have said the pope will most definitely have a website and are currently…
Is the snow day bound for extinction?
I begin this week’s column with a philosophical question: If snow causes schools to be closed while the Internet is functional, is it still a snow day? I pondered this last week when the phone rang at 5:45 a.m., never…
Mark your calendar; a sports scandal is coming soon
I am a fervent March Madness viewer but am dreading this year’s NCAA basketball tournament for I fear the spectacle will be stained with controversy. I’m making my prediction based on the fact that the first two months of this…
A truly insane way to stay in shape
I recently returned from Las Vegas, a city that seems determined to punish nongamblers such as myself by charging exorbitant rates for everyday items. Among my transactions during a three-day visit: $7 for a Diet Pepsi, $8 for a Bud Light and $30 for a visit to…
Do you take this smartphone for better or worse?
She sat at the bar, calmly texting while nursing a glass of merlot. I tepidly approached the empty stool next to her. “Excuse me,” I said, my gaze traveling from her eyes downward. “Not interested pal,” she replied curtly. “May…
The TV remote is Harvard’s answer to birth control
“Where’s the remote?” I screamed at nobody in particular one recent Saturday. College basketball was about to start and I was determined to catch the entire game, as opposed to spending the first few minutes shoving my hands into our…
When selecting wine, choose your words carefully
I sat at the crowded bar, a full glass of Cabernet Sauvignon in front of me. The proprietor acted as if I were his only customer. I subtly glanced at the patrons around me, trying to mimic them by sticking…
Ray Lewis, your seat at the kids table is ready
Several years ago, I went to Tokyo where I got a taste of the Japanese subway system. I say “taste” because my lips were literally pressed to a stranger’s, so congested were the cars. No matter the time of day, the…
Where are all the young nudes?
The San Francisco TV reporter was young, perky and brunette. Her interview subject was her polar opposite: male, late 60s and balding, with skin that looked as if it had traveled south for the winter and wasn’t coming back. He…