I’m Happy At the End of the Line
I have come to the realization that my days of being first at anything have long passed. I no longer run races, so “first across the finish line” is out. I have no desire to sleep outside my local Best Buy,…
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Lady Gaga Will Outfit My Wife This Christmas
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST 12-10-13 Sometimes holiday gift ideas hit you at the strangest moments; in my case, it was during the recently televised American Music Awards. There I was in my recliner, half-watching the show…
So Long, Farewell to Holiday TV Traditions
I am a purist at holiday time. That means I always have the final say when choosing the family Christmas tree, always carve the holiday bird and always stand on a rickety ladder while hanging lights from front yard trees…
Redbox, How I Yearn for Blockbuster
Redbox, you owe me $1.20. Make it easy on yourself and pay up. Now. Credit my Visa, ceremoniously present me with an oversized cardboard check or instruct a UPS driver to toss 120 pennies on my front lawn. I rented…
I Just Can’t Get Into Movember
Before heading out the door, I gave my wife a goodbye kiss. Rather than reciprocate, she recoiled. “Ouch. Would you please shave?” “Can’t do that, honey,” I replied. “Not until the end of Movember.” “You mean NO-vember. Your lip hair…
Don We Never Our Hideous Apparel
My kids’ Halloween candy had barely gone stale before the first Christmas controversy roared into town, innocently enough in the form of a Hallmark ornament. The greeting card giant, you may have heard, received flak for trying to be tooooo…
An Affordable Care Act Primer: How Sick Do You Want to Be?
Congratulations! You have successfully logged on to healthcare.gov, the official website of the Affordable Care Act. When all the site’s glitches are fixed, hopefully by Nov. 30 (year unknown), the act will revert to being called “Obamacare.” Until then, it’s the Affordable…
When It Comes To Your Kids, Choose to Lose
I wish for my children to be losers. There, I said it. Quick point of clarification: I don’t want them living at home in their late 30s, unemployed, aimlessly channel surfing, and looking at me when the Cheetos bag is…
Congress Should Take a Tip from Montana
Now that the federal government has reopened, the nation’s bills are being paid and everybody in Washington is making nice until January 15 when America may run out of money again, it’s nice to know some politicians can still work…
TSA, Remove These People From Security Lines At Once!
It’s back to the drawing board at the Transportation Security Administration now that a 9-year-old boy has figured out how to circumvent the screening process. On October 3, the troubled youth successfully bypassed TSA security at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport…
Bill Gates, It’s Time to Come Clean!
A dose of humility can go a long way, particularly when you’re Bill Gates. The Microsoft co-founder and Harvard dropout recently made a startling admission during an appearance at his almost alma mater when he declared the Control+Alt+Delete function used…
Interviewing Advice for a Former United Airlines Employee
The United Airlines ticket snafu is history but I still haven’t stopped feeling sorry for myself. I continue to curse my inability to be in the right place at the right time, specifically on United’s website for 15 minutes on…
The “Sham Cam” and Other College Football Innovations
I am so disappointed in Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel. How dare he spend a recent weekend throwing five touchdown passes, rushing for 98 yards and nearly rallying his team from a 21-point deficit against Southeastern Conference foe Alabama. I…
Bartender, Pour Me a Glass of Infidelity
My wife was in the midst of pouring a bottle of Guinness Stout down the drain when I entered the kitchen. A second, empty bottle was in the garbage. “What’s the matter?” I asked. “Are you cheating on me?” “Whatever…
Everyone Needs a Summer Bucket List
Over beers one recent evening, my buddy Jim innocently broached a subject that, up until the 2007 Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie, was rarely bantered about publicly. “What’s on your bucket list?” he asked. “I don’t keep one,” I replied. “How…