A Softer, Gentler Way to Whip Mom Into Shape
“Send Mom to the Y this weekend!” I had to read the website’s headline twice, so certain was I that this was some sort of cruel Mother’s Day joke. SEND Mom to the Y? What exactly did Mom do wrong…
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Read MoreA Softer, Gentler Way to Whip Mom Into Shape
Colorado, Think Tchaikovsky Ever Got Stoned?
I applaud the Colorado Symphony Orchestra’s recent decision to promote its music to a younger crowd — and embrace the state’s burgeoning marijuana trade — by playing a series of “cannabis-friendly ” concerts this summer.Other than a bassoonist competing with…
Five Easy Ways To Appear Smarter Than You Are
I recently clicked on an intriguing headline in Men’s Health magazine promising “Five Sneaky Ways to Raise Smart Kids.” Of course, this being a magazine about men’s health, I first had to endure pop ups promising “MIND BLOWING SEX” and “HOW TO…
Finding The Good in a Horrible Cat
Call me crazy, but I wish to adopt Lux. I’m referring to the 22-pound Himalayan cat who recently made headlines by angrily charging his Oregon owners, forcing Lee Palmer, his girlfriend, his 7-month-old son and their dog (yes, the dog) to take refuge…
Planets Can Be Positively Perplexing
I still remember the mnemonic as if it were 1972 and I was sitting in fourth grade science class. My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas. The first letter from each word aided countless primary school kids like…
Charger Recall: A “Powerful” Disease
I applaud the 7 million plus Americans who acquired insurance under the Affordable Healthcare Act before the March 31 deadline. As a longtime Blue Cross member, I know having that little card in my wallet brings piece of mind even if it is…
I’m Gonna Be a Professional Tweet Reader
My preparation is nearly complete: I have been building up strength in my index finger by moving it back and forth in a horizontal motion countless times daily. I utter “hashtag” aloud whenever possible. When my children ask who I’m…
A Requiem For My Snowblower
The wake was beautiful. Fresh flowers littered the temporary dais; a steady stream of mourners came and went, shivering in the garage while filing past the remains. I stood next to my recently departed companion, holding back tears as well-wishers…
A Dad’s Prom Checklist
Clad in a tuxedo, the young man dotingly eyed my daughter as she walked slowly toward him. When they met, he took her hand while I looked into his eyes and firmly said, “Take care of my little girl.” And…
Taking Charge of my Banana
In spite of my half century on earth, I still relish the chance to master new skills. My children do their best to expand my proficiencies; why, just the other day my 12-year-old taught me how to Photoshop beards…
The Dearly Departed Now Lie In Your Spam Folder
My Facebook pal Jeannie received the email several weeks ago. A close friend passed away and the service was taking place the following day. Jeannie thought about sending a sympathy card, paying her respects in person, or otherwise reaching out…
If It’s March, Eat, Sing and Be Crafty
It’s nearly four months overdue, but I wish to apologize to all my friends, associates, business acquaintances, and President Obama for what can only be considered a total lack of oversight on my part. I was not aware that November…
What Is Jay Leno Doing Now That He’s Retired?
A chronology of Jay Leno’s first day as retired Tonight Show host: 3 a.m. Wake up and write down funny President Obama health care joke from dream. Pause. Crumble up paper and go back to bed. 6:30 a.m. Begin preparing list of interview…
Hey Oprah, I’m a Decent Plumber Too!
I don’t consider myself an equal to Oprah Winfrey. I don’t possess her charisma, her cell phone contact list, or her billions. And I’m okay with that. We can’t all grow up to be talk show hosts, media moguls, and…
Please, Please Stop Speaking Facebook
Imagine you’re at a party. Someone approaches and engages you in a one-sided conversation. It goes something like this: “Hi (YOUR NAME), haven’t seen you in awhile. Of course, I haven’t seen anybody, considering I just returned from my oceanfront…