I am issuing a challenge to our nation’s stand-up comedians. Before you accept, I suggest you call, email, text, and tweet the best joke writers you know because you’re going to need them. Ready? Here’s your task: Make somebody laugh…
My room contained everything one would expect in a five-star property: terrycloth robes emblazoned with the hotel’s logo, slippers precisely placed at the foot of the bed and enough fluffy towels to dry all exposed body parts individually, if that’s…
I have dreaded this day ever since she got her driver’s permit. It’s one thing to let your daughter drive slowly around the neighborhood with her dad in the passenger seat, repeating, “Slow. Slow. SLOW!!!” It’s another to see her…
I strode through the hotel lobby in a black, sharply tailored Hugo Boss suit. It was Saturday night and I was headed to the ballroom to deliver a keynote address for more than 800 convention attendees. Suddenly I heard a…
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST MAY 22, 2013 “Attention gentlemen, this initiation meeting of the Male Golfers are Pigs Society is now officially in session. Grab a beer from the keg and let’s begin. As you…
Each week, I begrudgingly sift through my spam email folder, verifying that nothing of importance inadvertently landed there. Occasionally, I get a surpris,e e.g. MR. SCHWEM, PLEASE CONTACT THE SCHOOL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. That one went undiscovered for three…
I sat my daughter down for one of those heart to heart Dad talks that invariably begin with five simple words: “Stop looking at your phone.” Mission accomplished I pressed onward. “Vacation begins in a month honey. Now that you’re…
It appears iconic Wrigley Field, home of a baseball team that hasn’t won a World Series since text messaging was performed via carrier pigeon and smoke signals, is finally going to look like a normal ballpark. Cubs owner Tom Ricketts…
Welcome to the School of How to Correctly Form a Line. Please find your seats and let’s get started. I’d have you all line up, but clearly, you are incapable of doing that, which is why you have been ordered…
My favorite part of the day is first thing in the morning when I open my various inboxes and social media accounts to see what landed there during the night. Typically the contents determine how I will approach the days…
My wife was scrubbing what remained of the Easter dishes when I approached from behind, spun her around and planted a kiss on her lips. “Why, thank you,” she said. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” I said nothing…
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST APRIL 3, 2013 Osama bin Laden is dead, right? The Navy SEALS took care of him. Didn’t they? I’m asking only because conflicting accounts are emerging as to how bin Laden died. Not that…
I still vividly recall my mother’s parting words every time a childhood friend invited me over for a meal: “Always say please.” “Remember to say thank you.” “Under no circumstances, ever say, ‘I don’t like.’” “But what if Steve’s mom…
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST MARCH 27, 2013 Whoa, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse at The Today Show, along comes Joe Hagan and his no-holds-barred New York Magazine profile of the program and its current “family.” And…
I applaud Chicago attorney Chris Connors’ recent decision to donate the Internet domain name popefrancis.com to the new pontiff. While it’s not clear if church officials will accept Connors’ offer, they have said the pope will most definitely have a website and are currently…