Blog

The Lyft Driver, the Toddler and the Spirit of Christmas

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem December 12, 2018

I am fortunate to have a career that allows me to put smiles on faces. Moments before meeting Cassandra, I had done just that for an audience of 400 people. Cassandra, I could tell, was longing to return to a vocation that would allow her to do the same, despite the long hours and low pay. Until then, she was chauffeuring strangers around in her own vehicle, trying to keep her daughter entertained and, all the while, apologizing. It didn’t seem right.

Details

Dec112018

Santa, Bring me a Non-Offensive iTunes Playlist

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem December 11, 2018

“Let’s sing a song about a creature who defies authority by only pausing for a moment, when the traffic cop specifically told him to stop. It’s a good thing that cop acted appropriately, allowing Frosty to melt away instead of using excessive force. Imagine the lawsuits.”

Details

Nov302018

‘Tis the Season to (badly) Hang my Own Christmas Lights

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem November 30, 2018

Extension cords are nowhere to be seen on my neighbor’s properties; meanwhile, a slew of heavy duty orange cables snakes across my lawn at all angles. If a teenage rock band pulled up and the lead guitar player said, “Dude, mind if we plug in?” I could accommodate them.

Details

Nov262018

In November, the Weather is…Whatever

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem November 26, 2018

Welcome to November, the most confounding month for those who reside in climates that actually feature four seasons. All you sissies who retreated to year-round warm weather environs, you may stop reading if you wish. Go winterize your own homes. In other words, close the screens on your porch halfway.

Details

Nov62018

When Your Whole Body Hurts, It’s Time to Play Pickleball

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem November 6, 2018

Just look out your window. Chances are construction crews are digging a Pickleball court on your front lawn and four senior citizens are lingering nearby, with one calling, “We’ve got next!”

Details

Internet, Please Remove all Videos of Bradley Cooper Speaking French

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem October 26, 2018

I once strained to order, in German, a sandwich in a Munich deli and became so flustered that I believe I ordered a ham on cement with mustard and pencil shavings.

Details

Oct152018

I Should Really Burn my High School Yearbooks

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem October 15, 2018

I thought my high school years were uneventful, but evidence to the contrary was all there; in writing. I was a drunken thief who told offensive jokes, had questionable class attendance and may have acted inappropriately with women, some of whom I can’t even recall.

Details

Oct42018

America, Calm Down and Have some Ice Cream!

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem October 4, 2018

What is it about that frozen dairy delight that elicits a Pavlovian response when we encounter someone else eating it or, in extreme cases, simply discussing it? When I see someone approaching me while gorging on a slice of pizza, I don’t immediately seek out the nearest pizzeria and order up one for myself. Usually, I think, “Dude, get a napkin.”

Details

Don’t Vote for Greg. Sincerely, Greg’s Relatives

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem October 1, 2018

The Gosar attack ad made me realize that, if I ever throw my hat into any political ring, I will need to take a long look at my relatives. Well, first I’d have to make sure I never acted inappropriately with women at college parties. THEN I’d look at my relatives

Details

Sep212018

If I Must Evacuate, I’m Already Ready

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem September 21, 2018

I’ll leave my computer, as I have diligently backed up all my important files in something called “The Cloud.” I’m not sure where the cloud is but I’m told by unseen forces at Microsoft who collect $43 dollars from me every month for “cloud storage,” that my files will remain floating, or doing whatever files do in the cloud, forever.

Details

Sep132018

Airline Bins, Germs and Donald Trump

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem September 13, 2018

I’m more concerned with the hygiene habits of my fellow passengers, having endured flights seated next to travelers who engaged in everything from toenail clipping, to nail polish applying, to phlegm expelling.

Details

Sep52018

May the Force (of beer) Be With Disney Dads Always

Featured, Greg's BlogBy Greg Schwem September 5, 2018

While seated at Oga’s, I do not plan to loudly state my political views in slurred tones, lustily eyeball another patron’s wife, or question a Sith warrior’s manhood

Details