Whatever Happened to the School Water Fountain?
I woke up to a throat feeling like it had spent the night next to a blistering desert sun while the rest of my body slumbered under a mound of blankets necessary to combat the 60 degree chill that my…
Category Greg’s Blog
I Am Quiet Quitting This Blog Post
Every other week I sit in front of a blank computer screen, faced with the stressful task of writing a humor column approximately 650 words in length. This week will be no different except for a few modifications: The column…
This Long Cool Woman is a Fat Mess
I consider myself “a closet rock star,” meaning I belt out songs at the top of my lungs, but am too ashamed to do so publicly, even at a karaoke bar. Part of my fear stems from knowing I am…
In a Dog’s World, I am a Very Bad Boy
I was recently bitten by a dog, a traumatic experience I hesitate to recount in print because I am not interested in sympathy or compassion. The dog, on the other hand, has received plenty of both. It happened on a…
I Thought My Suburb Would Be Overrun by Now
Maybe it’s time I head outside and mow my lawn. I fear my neighbors are losing patience, as they spend sweltering weekends cutting, trimming, and weeding, resulting in perfectly green, manicured grass soft enough for bare feet. Conversely, my “lawn”…
Sometimes When We Touch…Bad Things Happen
“Do you mind if I touch you?” I asked my wife one evening after dinner. “Not at all,” she replied with a soft giggle. “You’re sure?” “Yes, I’m sure.” But the giggle had disappeared. “There will be no negative ramifications…
As Parents, Have We Allowed Our Children to Become Royal Pains?
Maybe it’s time to admit that, when it comes to discipline, our skills as parents have disappeared faster than a toddler’s attention span. Princess Kate Middleton recently found herself under the disciplinarian microscope when a hilarious, yet uncomfortable video emerged…
Mass Shooting Solutions Have Become a Sales Job
A well-known joke has a man applying for a retail sales job and insisting to the manager that he can sell anything to anybody. “Prove it,” the skeptical manager responds, nodding to a customer who has just entered the establishment.…
Cell Phone Users, Do You Suffer from “Scroll-iosis?”
I have a request, no, a plea, to cell phone manufacturers and software developers obsessed with phone memory. Please stop. You are the primary cause of an annoying disease I refer to as “scrolliosis.” Those who suffer from it, and…
My New Diet Includes a Thesaurus
It’s not the first time I have tried to obtain a better shape via attractive sounding nutritional titles. I strode into a vitamin store recently and walked out with something called “Serious Mass.” It’s a product that, judging by the physiques of other guys buying it, would make my neck the size of my thighs.