Moms Agree. Only Wine Can Save Toys R Us
Toys R Us is hiring for the holidays! Toys R Us is going bankrupt! President Trump said any Toys R Us employee who takes a knee in the stuffed animal aisle should be fired! OK, the third item is (presently)…
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Read MoreMoms Agree. Only Wine Can Save Toys R Us
Apple, It’s Time for the ‘Mom, Dad I Lost my iPhone’ Feature
How many iPhone revisions, updates and unveilings must I sit through before hearing the one feature every parent craves has finally become reality? “MDILMP,” also known as “Mom, Dad, I Lost My Phone.” Recently, I watched Apple CEO Tim Cook enthusiastically announce the new features on…
Do NOT Talk Politics While I’m Drinking with Jennifer Lawrence
In no particular order, here is my list of top three tangible items that should never be merged: —$2 chicken wings and a Fitbit —Octogenarians and Snapchat —Alcohol and anyone wanting to discuss politics The remainder of this column will…
The Big Fancy Refrigerator That Couldn’t
The shiny refrigerator sits in my kitchen, hovering over all the other appliances. It features an exterior water and ice dispenser, a digital control panel that allows me to choose whether I prefer my ice cubed or crushed, a crisper…
The Marijuana Farm Next Door
Seven years ago, my wife and I purchased a half-acre tract of land adjacent to our house, entering the topsy-turvy world of real estate investment. It was never our intention to build anything on the property, despite our neighbors’ suggestions…
Do Not “Lyft’ That Chalupa in My Car!
Every time I purchase a new car, I always vow that, unlike my previous vehicles, I will keep this one sparkling clean. Forever. I will hand buff its exterior with paste wax weekly, never mind the shoulder and rotator cuff…
Donald Trump Jr’s New LinkedIn Profile
Donald Trump Jr. may soon need a new job. Actually, including “new” in that sentence may be erroneous or, “fake news,” as his dad is fond of saying. You see, I’m not sure what our president’s namesake does for a…
On Second Thought, I’ll Leave My Cubs Shirt On
I arrived at the famed Wrigley Field bleachers on July 4 wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a Chicago Cubs jersey, the latter I planned to discard by the third inning. I left four hours later, the jersey spotted with mustard and reeking…
I Will Never Share My ‘Best Of’ List With You
A former Chicago Tribune reporter named Kevin Pang, who is now the food editor for entertainment website The A.V. Club., recently tweeted: “Confession: When I was a critic there were 2 restaurants in Chicago so good I kept to myself &…
I Just Can’t Wait to be King
Shocking news out of Great Britain last week, as Prince Harry confessed nobody in the royal family wants to be king or queen. My initial response was, “Blimey,” “balderdash,” “rubbish” and other assorted words Brits use to express shock and…
Dogs Should Be Loved, Not Squatted
Three summers ago, I refused to dump gallons of freezing cold water on my head, never mind that doing so meant I was somehow raising money to combat amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig’s disease. FACT: Most of the money…
I Will Help You (and President Trump) Become Better Spellers
My on again, off again search for a second career has come to an end. I firmly believe I have found an ancillary vocation that will provide me steady revenue in my golden years; or at least enough disposable income…
Wouldn’t It Be Splendid if We Stopped Saying ‘Awesome?’
Go ahead. Admit it. This blog post is awesome. I realize you’ve only read nine words up until now, but that should be plenty for you to categorize this column’s brilliance by using the currently most overused, and thereby most annoying,…
Muffin Tops Belong Solely in a Bakery
The infomercial actress appeared on the tiny screen attached to the treadmill as I labored through a 40-minute jog. Wearing that annoying “you must purchase this product now because, you know, operators ARE standing by” grin, the woman gleefully hawked…
If Astronauts Can Access Email, So Can You
I silently read the electronic response multiple times, seconds after it hit my inbox: “I will be out of the office today and will have limited or no access to email.” After receiving three identical retorts from different message recipients…