A Double Mattress and a Single Cry for Help

Corporate comedian Greg Schwem encounters a miniscule sized mattress and must choose between a comfortable night's sleep and marital bliss

Corporate comedian Greg Schwem encounters a miniscule sized mattress and must choose between a comfortable night's sleep and marital bliss

This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune and on Medium January 23, 2018 A recent trip to what remains of my local shopping mall left me with a range of emotions, beginning with depression and ending on a euphoric high.…

This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune January 16, 2018 I’m old enough to remember when email began its ascent into mainstream communication, a phenomenon embraced by everyone who didn’t make their livelihood via the telephone industry or the…

This article originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune and on the Today Show website January 2, 2018 Thanks to retail giant Amazon, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service may want to ponder creating a new “endangered” list containing the following…

This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune Dec. 26, 2017 I have always taken great pride in my ability to avoid those enticing clickbait headlines at the bottom of my daily newsfeed. Perhaps that’s why I must plead ignorance when…

This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune December 19, 2017 I live with three women, which makes Christmas gift buying about as easy, and mystifying, as unclogging a toilet. My wife’s apparel sizes seem to alter daily, which is…

This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune on December 12, 2017 What’s on your agenda today?” my wife asked, clutching her lengthy list of to-do items that, daily, seems to grow exponentially as the Christmas holiday approaches. The fact…

This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune Dec. 5, 2017 Christmas decorations, I’ve concluded, are like politicians: At first full of promise, but, if left too long unsupervised, prone to false hopes, hidden flaws and numerous instances of substandard performance.…

This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 28, 2017 As the last light of the Thanksgiving holiday weekend began to fade, I found myself in my garage, contemplating a task I had been neglecting for years. I’d completed…

This article originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 21, 2017. Please visit and subscribe to A Comedian Crashes Your Pad on YouTube or Vimeo From any west facing window in my boyhood home, it was impossible not to see it:…