I consider myself “a closet rock star,” meaning I belt out songs at the top of my lungs, but am too ashamed to do so publicly, even at a karaoke bar.
Part of my fear stems from knowing I am botching the lyrics to most songs on my fantasy setlist. In college, a frat brother, between fits of laughter, stuck his head into my shower stall to inform me the lyric to the Jimi Hendrix classic Purple Haze was “Scuse me, while I kiss the sky.”
It was NOT “Scuse me, while I kiss this guy.”
I was both embarrassed and disappointed; I thought Hendrix was making a statement.
These days, my gym workouts include whatever classic rock playlist I find on Spotify. Invariably, that list includes The Hollies’, Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress. I have been reprising my version of this song since it debuted in 1972 when I was 10 years old. But it was just recently I decided to Google the lyrics and compare my rendition to that of lead singer Allan Clarke.
She Was a Long Cool Woman in a Rat’s Nest
The results were so heinous that my frat brother would have had to pull a chair up to the shower in order to correct me. Below are my lyrics, with bold type denoting the correct words when appropriate. I began strongly enough:
Saturday night I was downtown
Workin’ for the FBI.
From there, my version goes off the rails.
Sittin’ in the last of Bat Man/Sittin’ in a nest of bad men
With the bottles piled high/Whiskey bottles piling high
Fool lovin’ boozer on my left side/Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doin’ no wrong/Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call on my free man/Just about to call up my DA man
When I heard this woman sing a song
Appearin’ fortified made me open my thighs/A pair of 45s made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress
Justified in a beautiful song/Just a 5’9, beautiful tall
With just one look, I was a bad man/With just one look, I was a bad mess
’Cause that long cool woman had it all
I saw her headin’ to the table
With a tall, walkin’ big black cat/Like a tall, walkin big black cat
A trolley sat a whole bunch of people/When Charlie said I hope that you’re able boy
’Cause I’m telling you she knows where it’s at
Well sullenly we had a sunrise/Then suddenly we heard the sirens
And everybody started to run
A jumpin’ out of doors and tables
When I heard something I shouldn’t have done/When I heard somebody shootin’ a gun
Well the deed was palmed in my left hand/Well the DA was pumpin’ my left hand
A machine was a holdin’ my left hand/And-a-she was a holdin’ my left hand
Well I’m told it was a skit/Well I told her don’t get scared
’Cause you’re gone off this bed/‘Cause you’re gonna be spared
I gotta be forgiven, if I want to spend my living
With a long cool woman in a black dress
Repeat whatever you think the chorus is.
Please Don’t Sue Me
I apologize to all Hollies, including Graham Nash, who left the group before Long Cool Woman hit the airwaves, only to become a key member of one of my favorite groups, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. Even after 50 years, their version of Joni Mitchell’s classic, Woodstock sounds amazing to me.
Particularly this phrase:
We are startups, we are colder
We’re in fear of all our fathers
And we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden
Or something like that.
