Growing up, swimming was never my strong sport. Nonetheless, thanks to President Trump I demand World Aquatics, the swimming federation recognized by the International Olympics Committee, reward me for my exploits in the water.
Or better yet, honor me for my efforts to bring peace to our world, even though I haven’t been very successful at that either.
Mind you, I am a decent swimmer. Toss me into a pool and I will kick my legs and arms hard enough to rise to the surface. Once there I can tread water or freestyle my way to the pool’s ladder. Submerge me in a lake or river? I’ll find the boat or the dock unaided. An ocean? I don’t want to think about having to fend for myself there, especially when sharks will ultimately judge my swimming skills.
Wait, I’m Still (more or less) Swimming
However, when I was 12 and my parents thought it would be a good idea to enroll me on a competitive swim team, I quickly realized I would never reach the Olympics, earn a college scholarship or mount a podium of any sort. When the starting gun was fired, every swimmer entered the water at precisely the same time. That’s where the similarities ended. Within seconds, I lagged far behind. By the time I completed my race, most of my competitors were toweling off. Or, if it was the backstroke, headed home.
For my efforts, I received a green “participation” ribbon, a politically correct award for “last place” “thanks for stopping by” or “Greg, have you ever considered clarinet lessons?” Some sympathetic swim team organizers created participation ribbons to avoid hurting the fragile egos of competitors who, deep down, knew they would never be recognized for their swimming skills and had no business at a swim meet.
Fast-forward to last week when the draw for the World Cup, soccer’s preeminent event, took place in Washington D.C. Gianni Infantino, head of FIFA, the World Cup governing body, gave Trump a newly created award. It was not a ribbon, but a trophy. Along with a medal Infantino said Trump could “wear everywhere you want to go.”
The award had nothing to do with soccer, a sport — and I’m going out on a limb here — Trump never played, even at 12. No, the award was for peace.
A New Definition of “Peace”
It’s no secret Trump feels he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. This despite renaming the Department of Defense to the Department of War. Or watching “peaceful” protesters attack the U.S. Capitol. Or standing idly by as War Secretary Pete Hegseth, according to reports, issues orders to “kill everybody” aboard vessels whose occupants may or may not be smuggling drugs.
Trump often brags about how he has ended eight wars in under a year even though he has never rattled them off and never been challenged to do so by the White House press corps. The Russia-Ukrainian conflict drags on despite Trump’s campaign promise to end it on his first day in office.
Nevertheless, there he was, accepting his participation peace trophy and saying it was “truly one of the great honors of my life.”
Making this spectacle even more ironic is that soccer is somehow equated with peace. While some would argue the sport is a great world unifier, I beg to differ. I’ve seen footage of soccer riots and stampedes worldwide. I also made the mistake of wandering into an Irish-themed bar in New York City in 1994, the last time the World Cup was played on U.S. soil. I endured numerous shoves and one random elbow to the face from Irish fans celebrating a victory by their team.
Swimming is far more peaceful. Nobody rioted when Michael Phelps won eight swimming gold medals at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, did they?
So, now I am ready to accept whatever peace award World Aquatics bestows upon me. Oh, and I just remembered, I DID bring harmony to a swimming related event several years ago.
While vacationing with my children at a Mexican resort, I solved an argument concerning which child would first get to use an inflatable pool toy.
God bless me.
