Get in Line! Here’s How It’s Done
Welcome to the School of How to Correctly Form a Line. Please find your seats and let’s get started. I’d have you all line up, but clearly, you are incapable of doing that, which is why you have been ordered…
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Shed Those Pounds Through Sex and Vacuuming!
My wife was scrubbing what remained of the Easter dishes when I approached from behind, spun her around and planted a kiss on her lips. “Why, thank you,” she said. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” I said nothing…
Solving the budget crisis through fine dining
I still vividly recall my mother’s parting words every time a childhood friend invited me over for a meal: “Always say please.” “Remember to say thank you.” “Under no circumstances, ever say, ‘I don’t like.’” “But what if Steve’s mom…
Wanted: New ‘Today Show’ hosts. Must be great kissers
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST MARCH 27, 2013 Whoa, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse at The Today Show, along comes Joe Hagan and his no-holds-barred New York Magazine profile of the program and its current “family.” And…
Suggestions for the new Papal website
I applaud Chicago attorney Chris Connors’ recent decision to donate the Internet domain name popefrancis.com to the new pontiff. While it’s not clear if church officials will accept Connors’ offer, they have said the pope will most definitely have a website and are currently…
Is the snow day bound for extinction?
I begin this week’s column with a philosophical question: If snow causes schools to be closed while the Internet is functional, is it still a snow day? I pondered this last week when the phone rang at 5:45 a.m., never…
Mark your calendar; a sports scandal is coming soon
I am a fervent March Madness viewer but am dreading this year’s NCAA basketball tournament for I fear the spectacle will be stained with controversy. I’m making my prediction based on the fact that the first two months of this…
Do you take this smartphone for better or worse?
She sat at the bar, calmly texting while nursing a glass of merlot. I tepidly approached the empty stool next to her. “Excuse me,” I said, my gaze traveling from her eyes downward. “Not interested pal,” she replied curtly. “May…
When selecting wine, choose your words carefully
I sat at the crowded bar, a full glass of Cabernet Sauvignon in front of me. The proprietor acted as if I were his only customer. I subtly glanced at the patrons around me, trying to mimic them by sticking…
Ray Lewis, your seat at the kids table is ready
Several years ago, I went to Tokyo where I got a taste of the Japanese subway system. I say “taste” because my lips were literally pressed to a stranger’s, so congested were the cars. No matter the time of day, the…