My Car is an Emotional Wreck
Do cars have feelings? This question haunts me whenever I am in the market for a new automobile. My BMW X5 is currently one month from its lease expiration. I know it, my bank knows it, and my BMW sales…
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A Tennis Fan’s Futile Attempt to Stay Uninformed
A word to those who have grown weary of the 24-hour news cycle, the blowhard TV pundits and the never-ending stream of political debate and current event analysis: Stay away from McDonald’s. I discovered this as I attempted to, for…
Donald Trump: Vegetable in Chief
Can Donald Trump gain tomato status with the author? Or will he forever be a lima bean?
Merry Christmas Honey. Here’s Your Roomba!
My wife and I sat in our respective chairs, enduring a barrage of holiday commercials when Santa suddenly appeared on the TV, gushing over some state-of-the-art vacuum that, according to him, was the perfect Christmas gift. “We need a new…
Doze Through the Holidays with the Hallmark Channel
A new Christmas tradition in the Schwem household unexpectedly surfaced Thanksgiving night when my wife was channel-hopping and stumbled upon the Hallmark Channel. Yes, we knew the greeting card company owned a television network, and we help pay for its…
Hello Bruce Springsteen, I’m…Next Please!
I set my alarm 90 minutes before my normal wake up time. I secured my place in line two hours before the doors opened. I rehearsed, discarded and reformulated my introductory comment repeatedly. Should I open with a personal memory?…
A Trump Presidency Means Fewer Televisions, More BBQs
Now that the world is slowly coming to grips with the fact that Donald J. Trump will be our next Commander N. Chief, I have a message for our nation’s television salespeople: “Be afraid. Be very afraid.” If you work…
How I Won the World Series for the Cubs (I think)
The first accolade came as I walked from my Phoenix hotel room to the lobby in search of a Starbucks blend that wasn’t present in room 3028. “Congratulations,” a woman said, her eyes gesturing to my sternum. While in the…
An Open Letter To Everyone: Stop Writing Open Letters!
My day always begins with a mug of highly caffeinated coffee, the precursor to an energetic plunge through the world’s headlines, courtesy of the websites I’ve bookmarked on my Mac. Naturally, I start with my employer, the Chicago Tribune (suck-up…
Thanksgiving and Election ’16: A Recipe for Disaster
The question I posed over the phone to a relative was innocent enough: “Who are you voting for?” “Trump,” she replied, after a short pause. Perhaps the hesitancy stemmed from the fact that I didn’t phrase the question as stated…