A chronology of Jay Leno’s first day as retired Tonight Show host:
3 a.m. Wake up and write down funny President Obama health care joke from dream. Pause. Crumble up paper and go back to bed.
6:30 a.m. Begin preparing list of interview topics for cable repair guy, when he visits home later today.
8 a.m. Drive the long, scenic route to Jay’s Garage. Fill entire fleet of cars with gas. Think about changing oil but vow to save that for another day.
9:30 a.m. Download Words with Friends, Candy Crush and Flappy Birds on new iPad.
10 a.m. Bookmark all websites that will provide minute by minute updates of Jimmy Fallon’s February 17 opening night ratings.
11:45 a.m. Text NBC Entertainment Chairman Robert Greenblatt, letting him know that after February 17, he’s “available if needed.”
11:51 a.m. Text Greenblatt again verifying that he did, in fact, receive the first text.
12:30 p.m. Help longtime writer Jimmy Brogan fill out unemployment compensation paperwork.
1:30 p.m. Pester Jerry Seinfeld for another Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee slot. A chagrined Seinfeld declines, saying Jay is “too old and too white.”
1:50 p.m. Compose first tweet not written by Tonight Show staffer.
2 p.m. Now that he’s retired, extend olive branch to Conan O’Brien by calling and suggesting he consider a “ConanWalking” segment.
2:20 p.m. Send updated demo reel and press kit to Funny Bone Comedy Club corporate headquarters.
3 p.m. Remind classic car broker that he is no longer employed. Angrily haggle over price of McLaren F1.
3:40 p.m. Out of habit, apply stage makeup.
4:15 p.m. Call CNN Worldwide President Jeff Zucker. Ask if he could occasionally sub for Piers Morgan.
6 p.m. Have quiet, one-on-one dinner with wife Mavis. Fondly recall the last time they did this. Both agree it was “somewhere around June 1991.”
6:30 p.m. Drive to Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. Tell owner that, in addition to his regular Sunday night gig, he now has weekday slots available.
Midnight: Help Comedy and Magic Club wait staff wipe tables and stack chairs.
