THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST MAY 22, 2013
“Attention gentlemen, this initiation meeting of the Male Golfers are Pigs Society is now officially in session. Grab a beer from the keg and let’s begin.
As you know, golf season is in full swing — that was a pun. Get it? — and, I’m humbled to say, the number of MGAP members has grown tremendously. As I look over this crowd I see successful physicians, Fortune 500 CEOs, teachers, journalists, even clergy members. Father McNamara, thanks for coming.”
“(BURP) No problem.”
“For those of you first timers waiting to be inducted into our ranks, let me remind you that being a full-fledged MGAP member comes with responsibilities. You must remember that, locker rooms excepting, the golf course remains the one place where men feel perfectly entitled to act like the crass, disgusting individuals that we are due to our ‘y’ chromosomes. Mind you, I didn’t say we ARE entitled. We just ‘feel’ like we’re entitled. Understand? If so, please respond with a bodily function of your choice.
(UNISON FART)
Excellent. New members please stand and raise your right hands. At this time you will recite the MGAP Bill of Rights, necessary for initiation. What is our number one rule?”
“THE WORLD IS OUR TOILET!”
“Exactly. As a card-carrying MGAP member, you will pee anywhere on the course at any time. It doesn’t matter if the Senior Ladies League is playing the adjoining hole or a family of four is barbecuing in their back yard that faces the 14th fairway. We go where we damn well please. Next rule?”
“WE DON’T CARE IF SMOKING BOTHERS YOU!”
“Of course we don’t. That’s why we will light up cigars whenever we feel like it and not ask permission. If someone complains we will make a half-hearted attempt to blow smoke in the opposite direction — for about 15 seconds. Rule three?”
“WE THINK ALL BEVERAGE GIRLS FIND US ATTRACTIVE!”
“Darn right we do. So when that female employee drives up in her cart and offers to replenish your Budweisers, Bloody Marys, Jack and Cokes and turkey sandwiches, suck in your beer guts and feel free to hit on her. Tell her how successful you are and wink while doing so. Address her in terms that would, and most definitely should, get you fired if you uttered them at your office. ‘Hon,’ ‘Babe’ and ‘Sweet Thing’ are among the most popular MGAP references.
“What about ‘Toots?'”
“How old are you George?”
“Seventy-five.”
“In your case, yes, ‘Toots’ is acceptable. Uh, question from a new member?”
“Excuse me but couldn’t she sue us for sexual harassment?”
“Who let this guy in? Yes, she could but MGAP members don’t worry about stuff like that. Probably because, while golfing, we are too inebriated and stupid to exercise good judgment. A footnote… many MGAP members are attorneys if you need one. Next rule?”
“WE WILL USE OUR CELLPHONES AT ANY TIME!”
“Remember gentlemen, in your own minds, you are the most important person on the course. So feel free to talk long and loud and don’t worry if you’re holding up three foursomes behind you. If you need to continue your conversation while putting, just cradle the phone between your chin and shoulder. Joe, care to demonstrate?”
“Be glad to.”
“Joe once joined a conference call in the middle of his round. Joe, how long did that last?”
“Let’s see, I dialed in on the seventh fairway and we were done on about the 16th tee.”
(CLAPS FROM AUDIENCE)
“Joe any advice for the newbies?”
“Sure. Don’t be afraid to stand on the green and answer a few emails. If the players behind you are MGAP members, they will understand. If not, too bad.”
“Words to live by. Finally, what is our fifth and most important rule?”
“UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL WE EVER LET OUR DAUGHTERS BECOME BEVERAGE GIRLS!”
“And why is that?”
“BECAUSE OF RULE NUMBER THREE!”
“Hit ’em well guys. Meeting adjourned.”
