I am currently aboard a cruise ship, steaming toward the Eastern Caribbean and flocked with people who, like me, feel a vacation should involve being waited on hand and foot until they arrive back home and see the mess that awaits them. Which is why I will never go camping. I will not camp, because…
Hey foodies! Pop quiz. Name a morsel that pairs equally well with red or white. A side dish that would be the hit of any dinner party even if the pretentious host were serving some unpronounceable main course featuring ingredients acquired from the Indian Ocean four hours ago. A piece de resistance with a taste…
As the 2022 midterm elections draw closer, now seems a perfect time to write about cheating. The political election air is already rife with cheating accusations, most lobbed by Republican candidates loyal to their esteemed leader, Donald Trump. The ex-president continues to whine that all 2020 votes cast for him were perfectly legal and all…
Prior to her burial, the time spent waiting to file past Queen Elizabeth’s coffin was estimated at 24 hours, a figure made slightly higher when Piers Morgan attempted to cut in line. Thankfully, the Queen has been officially laid to rest. Had the public viewing at Westminster Hall lasted any longer, King Charles III may…
I woke up to a throat feeling like it had spent the night next to a blistering desert sun while the rest of my body slumbered under a mound of blankets necessary to combat the 60 degree chill that my wife feels is the ideal sleeping temperature. Stumbling to the bathroom, I gulped down copious…
Every other week I sit in front of a blank computer screen, faced with the stressful task of writing a humor column approximately 650 words in length. This week will be no different except for a few modifications: The column will be EXACTLY 650 words. If my editor wants changes, I will politely but firmly…
I consider myself “a closet rock star,” meaning I belt out songs at the top of my lungs, but am too ashamed to do so publicly, even at a karaoke bar. Part of my fear stems from knowing I am botching the lyrics to most songs on my fantasy setlist. In college, a frat brother,…
I was recently bitten by a dog, a traumatic experience I hesitate to recount in print because I am not interested in sympathy or compassion. The dog, on the other hand, has received plenty of both. It happened on a glorious afternoon in San Francisco, one of the rare days when it was warm enough…
Maybe it’s time I head outside and mow my lawn. I fear my neighbors are losing patience, as they spend sweltering weekends cutting, trimming, and weeding, resulting in perfectly green, manicured grass soft enough for bare feet. Conversely, my “lawn” is a waist-high amalgam of crabgrass, chickweed, creeping charlie and dandelions. Village inspectors keep driving…
“Do you mind if I touch you?” I asked my wife one evening after dinner. “Not at all,” she replied with a soft giggle. “You’re sure?” “Yes, I’m sure.” But the giggle had disappeared. “There will be no negative ramifications or consequences if I place my hand anywhere on your body?” I asked, extending my…
