Internet, Please Remove all Videos of Bradley Cooper Speaking French
I once strained to order, in German, a sandwich in a Munich deli and became so flustered that I believe I ordered a ham on cement with mustard and pencil shavings.
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I Should Really Burn my High School Yearbooks
I thought my high school years were uneventful, but evidence to the contrary was all there; in writing. I was a drunken thief who told offensive jokes, had questionable class attendance and may have acted inappropriately with women, some of whom I can’t even recall.
America, Calm Down and Have some Ice Cream!
What is it about that frozen dairy delight that elicits a Pavlovian response when we encounter someone else eating it or, in extreme cases, simply discussing it? When I see someone approaching me while gorging on a slice of pizza, I don’t immediately seek out the nearest pizzeria and order up one for myself. Usually, I think, “Dude, get a napkin.”
Don’t Vote for Greg. Sincerely, Greg’s Relatives
The Gosar attack ad made me realize that, if I ever throw my hat into any political ring, I will need to take a long look at my relatives. Well, first I’d have to make sure I never acted inappropriately with women at college parties. THEN I’d look at my relatives
If I Must Evacuate, I’m Already Ready
I’ll leave my computer, as I have diligently backed up all my important files in something called “The Cloud.” I’m not sure where the cloud is but I’m told by unseen forces at Microsoft who collect $43 dollars from me every month for “cloud storage,” that my files will remain floating, or doing whatever files do in the cloud, forever.
Airline Bins, Germs and Donald Trump
I’m more concerned with the hygiene habits of my fellow passengers, having endured flights seated next to travelers who engaged in everything from toenail clipping, to nail polish applying, to phlegm expelling.
May the Force (of beer) Be With Disney Dads Always
While seated at Oga’s, I do not plan to loudly state my political views in slurred tones, lustily eyeball another patron’s wife, or question a Sith warrior’s manhood
This Labor Day, Get Rid of Whatever That Is
Refrigerators, I believe, outrank cupboards and pantries when it comes to storing items indefinitely. Over time they become a mishmash of assorted sauces, seasonings, condiments and oils, all with clearly marked, and clearly ignored, expiration dates.
Unicorns and Bigfoot Porn! What a summer!
The idea of having sexual trysts with another mythical creature, this one standing upright, covered in hair and otherwise known as "Sasquatch," recently went mainstream when Virginia congressional candidate Leslie Cockburn accused her Republican opponent, Denver Riggleman, of an obsession with Bigfoot erotica.
My Family Will Help Me Take Alex Trebek’s Job
calmly explained the reasons I wanted Alex Trebek's job: namely my love of trivia and my desire to, in an increasingly dumb-downed world, meet intelligent people