Ohio, thank you for contributing to my upcoming chicken wing free diet
The Buckeye State already has taken center stage now that J.D. Vance hopes to exchange the title “Ohio Senator” for “U.S. Vice President,” even if it means cozying up to a man he once called “reprehensible” and a “total fraud.” Now comes another reassessment, this one courtesy of the Ohio Supreme Court.
Boneless chicken wings aren’t really boneless.
The 4-3 decision, handed down last month, comes seven years after Hamilton, Ohio, resident Michael Berkheimer sued Wings restaurant. Berkheimer claimed his order of boneless wings did in fact contain a bone, which he swallowed.
The result, according to the lawsuit, caused a tear in Berkheimer’s esophagus, a two-month hospital stay and long-term heart and lung damage.
Nevertheless, the court said chicken bones are naturally occurring foreign objects and consumers should be aware of potential hazards, despite what a restaurant menu or food label states.
My heart aches for Berkheimer, for I have eaten countless boneless wings — never mind the misleading title.
If a Chicken Wing Falls Down Your Throat, Does Anybody Hear It?
It doesn’t take an ornithologist to Google: “Are there bones in chicken wings?” and discover that yes, radius, humerus and ulna bones reside in every one. Maybe I’ve just been lucky all these years. Or maybe the sauce I prefer on my wings is zippy enough to dissolve whatever it touches. My esophagus has stayed intact; but my eyes have suffered excruciating pain over the years, mostly while trying to remove my contact lenses after consuming, by hand, boneless wings rolled in sauces with names like “Butt Buster” and “Murderer’s Row.”
Now I’m looking at every food item in my kitchen, wondering what hazards lie within and whether or not they are “naturally occurring.”
Case in point: Several years ago a sharp peanut piece from the chunky peanut butter I spread on my morning toast caused bleeding in my mouth. I’ve opted for smooth peanut butter since. But what if a random “chunk” is hiding somewhere in my current jar? Are my lunchtime PB&J sandwiches destined to become only J?
And, as long as we’re on the subject of jelly, what about seedless grapes? I’ve encountered a few seeds and while I’ve never thought much of it, I definitely don’t want to see a Merlot seed floating in my 40 dollar glass of wine.
Then there’s my ongoing battle with gluten. I have tried, with some success, to eliminate it from my diet, as research says it causes joint inflammation. If you suffer from celiac disease, consuming gluten also can lead to horrible intestinal issues. But according to multiple studies, gluten is a “naturally” occurring protein. I guess that means if I order menu items labeled “gluten free” and I wake up the next morning with aching knees, I should hold off on contacting a lawyer.
While I applaud the food industry for trying to help us deal with all our intolerances, be it soy, dairy, wheat, tree nuts, eggs or anything delicious, the Ohio court ruling basically says, “Eat at your own risk.” Or don’t eat at all.
So goodbye, french fries. For I just discovered potatoes contain naturally occurring toxins called solanines and chaconine. I have no interest in visiting an emergency room following a trip to McDonald’s.
My doctor told me to add nuts to my diet following cancer surgery. Boy is he going to be embarrassed when I tell him I now suffer from chronic mycotoxin exposure. I better cease eating almonds before those mycotoxins kill me. Naturally.
I currently weigh 190 pounds. I may be down to 175 before nightfall.
What could be more natural?
