January is always the month where I say I’m going to change my eating habits — for good as opposed to for 48 hours. That usually involves finding an app that will guide me through the slimming process. I like this method because, when I don’t see results, I can blame it on my phone as opposed to my affinity for chicken wings. This year’s choice was Noom, a program I foolishly signed up for two days BEFORE Christmas and one which feels the ideal way to lose weight is to consume only 1,400 calories per day (no, that’s not a typo) and drink enough water to fill your average backyard pool.
The water part was easy; I rarely go outside due to the pandemic, so I always know where the nearest bathroom is. But 1,400 calories? I realized I would have to give up activities such as chewing on pencils, licking stamps or putting anything near my mouth that could add to that total. I immediately stopped bemoaning the fact that Costco has discontinued doling out free food.
Some backstory…last year, I tried something called Zero, which suggested I eat only during a specified time window and fast for the rest of a 24-hour period. Surprisingly, I stuck to this regimen for the entire year, except for the 348 days when I may have cheated. Two years ago, I downloaded LoseIt!, thinking, erroneously, that an exclamation point would contribute to weight loss. I was mistaken. Sorry, I was mistaken!!!!
Questions? We have weight loss questions
My seven-day free Noom trial included a lengthy questionnaire, featuring a few concerning questions such as, “Do you have any significant back issues?” My back issues aren’t significant, but I responded in the affirmative, hoping it would cause Noom’s algorithm to eliminate follow-up questions like, “Do you have an aversion to being suspended upside down with a 20-pound weight between your knees while drinking water?”
Questionnaire completed, I explored Noom’s other bells and whistles, including a calorie counter. I’ve tried these before and quickly given up. Yes, it’s cool when you can type the brand name of a food you just snarfed, say a snack bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, into the app and it will reveal you just consumed one-seventh of your precious 1,400 calorie allotment. But try doing that when the Christmas Eve meal is lasagna. Not a particular brand of lasagna, just LASAGNA.
I typed “lasagna” and Noom wanted to know how much entered my stomach. Was it a half cup? A full cup? A big plate? Define big. All I know is that I cut a portion from a large baking pan. I believe I ate “a column.” That unit of measurement was nowhere to be found.
Noom did provide me with something I’ve never had: Personalized health coaching. And my coach was a real person, not a bot. In an email, she introduced herself as Karla, from Texas, with a master’s degree in clinical counseling. She even included two photos from her study abroad time in Rome. She promised to be my “accountability buddy for goals, motivator to stay consistent, & (to) be right by your side when we run into challenges!”
There’s that exclamation point again.
The free version is better than nothing
I apologize to Karla for not responding with my goals, my reasons for joining Noom or even a few pics of my weekend in Cabo San Lucas. By the time I had put away all the Christmas dishes, consumed all the leftovers — including lasagna — and loosened my belt a notch, the free trial was over. To continue receiving Karla’s inspirational messages and pictures, my credit card would be charged $116.
But Karla, take heart. Noom is still on my phone and I’ve been taking advantage of its free features, including the aforementioned calorie counter, a step tracker and clever, auto-generated messages like “Batter up (but hold the batter) It’s time to log dinner.” I’ve lost five pounds since Christmas, ensuring Noom will be my go-to app until, at least, next January.
When I will probably download an app featuring TWO exclamation points!!
