Our nation’s scandals are beginning to sound markedly similar, not in the fallout or the parties involved, but in the suffix attached to them: “Gate.”
Let’s see, with football season upon us, the New England Patriots continue to play under the “Deflategate” cloud, coined for Tom Brady’s alleged penchant to underinflate any footballs that touch his finely-manicured hands. Meanwhile, an ESPN investigation claims NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell imposed tough penalties on the Patriots following Deflategate, in part because of the Spygate controversy of 2007¸ when New England was caught videotaping the New York Jets’ defensive signals for reasons other than posting them on YouTube.
Down the road in New Jersey, Governor Chris Christie, whose presidential poll numbers are trending slightly above spoiled cheese, can’t escape “Bridgegate,” when his aides intentionally engineered traffic snafus on the George Washington Bridge to spite Christie enemies. The controversy reared its head again following recent allegations that United Airlines and its now former chairman Jeff Smisek curried favors from Port Authority of New York and New Jersey Chairman David Samson, a Christie ally, by reinstituting a money-losing route between Newark, N.J., and Columbia, S.C., close to Samson’s vacation home. USA Today dubbed the brewing controversy, you guessed it, “Flightgate.”
The “gate” suffix, of course, gets its name from the 1972 Watergate hotel break-in, the mother of all scandals if one doesn’t count the Milli Vanilli lip syncing ignominy. Watergate toppled a sitting president; so far Deflategate hasn’t even caused a blip in Brady’s endorsement figures. Also, the Watergate Hotel has been closed since 2007 and, although it has been purchased and renovated, it has yet to reopen.
Which is precisely why I feel “gate” needs to be removed from the daily shenanigans that becomes news. It’s as if Americans are starting to treat all these gates with a ho-hum, nothing-to-see-here-let’s-move-along mentality. How else to explain the Patriots’ continued popularity?
But what to replace “gate” with? Obviously it has to be a word synonymous with controversy. “Trump” comes to mind, but that moniker’s owner would likely embrace the additional publicity. Besides, Deflatetrump and Bridgetrump just sound weird.
Hillary Clinton’s ongoing problems so far seem to have escaped the “gate” label — I have yet to hear of “Servergate,” “Emailgate, “Benghazigate,” or “Husbandgate” — but she remains a lightning rod for controversy. Attaching “Hillary” to the end of every brouhaha is too wordy but “Hill” has possibilities.
However, I think the new suffix needs to reflect Watergate’s status as a locale, not a person. So, think of a place where, every time you visit, you come way feeling sullied, victimized or of the opinion that something diabolical is taking place behind closed doors. For me the answer is simple: My local post office.
I can’t remember the last time I had a pleasant experience there. The line snaking out the door on a daily basis makes me believe I’ve stepped into a scene reminiscent of “Groundhog Day,” where every day is the last shipping day before Christmas. The lone clerk has an annoying habit of disappearing behind a mountain of metal shelving units after “assisting,” and I use that word loosely, every customer.
Then there’s the packages I’ve mailed that never seem to arrive at their intended destinations, the random rise in stamp costs and the passport application that took three months to process, despite the six to eight weeks I was promised.
Placing the simple word “post” after every emerging scandal would not only allow the Watergate Hotel to retire its reputation but also put the postal service on notice that it needs to up its game, as if it needs another reminder.
Politics and professional sports are bound to deliver more scandals in the coming months. Reading about “Point-Shavingpost” and “Ballotpost” will do little to restore our faith in politicians and athletes, but it will be a nice change from “gate.”
Even if it won’t help Chris Christie’s poll numbers.
