As America trudged back to work following the 2019 Christmas and New Year’s holidays, I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone did so enthusiastically. Yes, a new year always brings with it an aura of mystery, coupled with excitement about what might lie ahead. And face it, it’s fun to say, “twenty-twenty.”
But are we really stoked to return to that same office? That same cubicle? That same environment we extricated ourselves from for, hopefully, at least a little time around the holidays? In between bites of assorted cheese dips and swigs of holiday cheer, I neglected to find one friend or family member who was giddy about doing anything other than laying on the couch. Unless, of course, they were headed somewhere warm and could swap the couch for a beach chair.
Finally, at a post-Christmas get together, I asked a buddy who had just taken on a new job at a new company if he was happy he made the move.
“I guess so. I’m still figuring it out,” he said.
“And what exactly do you do?” I asked.
“I’m wandering around, giving my opinion when it’s usually not wanted. That’s what consultants do,” he replied.
“If it makes you feel better, I’m a comedian,” I said. “I say things I think are funny and then wait to hear if partially inebriated strangers share my sense of humor. Regardless of their response, I move on to something else … and hope some more.”
“That’s a horrible way to describe a job that brings joy to people,” he said.
“And yet consultants like you can save clients millions of dollars simply by offering suggestions that may have never been developed were it not for your presence.”
“I guess there really is a positive and a negative way to describe any job,” my friend said as we closed our tab.
That night, I posted the exercise on my Facebook feed: “Describe your job in the worst way possible,” I wrote. I even included an example, pretending I was a dentist:
“I stuff cotton and other substances into people’s mouths and then make them lie there while I do all the talking, inflict pain and then present them with a bill.”
The responses were swift, truthful and hilarious.
“I listen to the neurotics who build castles in the sky,” wrote Alan. “I medicate the psychotics who live in the castles the neurotics built in the sky. And I collect rent from them all. I’m a psychiatrist.”
“I’m a high-speed transporter of aluminum tubing. I’m an airline pilot,” said John.
“I used to go into the homes of elderly strangers, inject drugs directly into their bloodstreams then come back and do it again in eight hours,” said Jean Ann, a former home health care nurse.
“I add extra work to everyone else’s day, tell them what to do and make them accountable for it,” responded Jeannie, a project manager.
“I balance a heavy weight on my shoulder while people do stupid s–t in front of me. I’m a cameraman,” said Scott.
Some responses were lengthy and carefully crafted. Diane, a realtor, wrote: “I send people enough email to write a book from, then, once they are over prepared, I hold them hostage in my truck, possibly taking them over the county line. After spending a day or three driving them around, I then throw enough legal paperwork at them to sign. They rarely understand it all but sign it anyway. At said time, I extract money from them in the form of a check that is written to an attorney they have never met. I finally allow them out of the truck and back to their hotel to sit and wait for my call.”
Except for the truck, I’ll admit I’ve had the same experience with several realtors.
Kevin was more direct: “I lie. PR guy.”
I smiled as I read the responses and realized people could laugh at their jobs. Then I began writing my first column of 2020.
Also known as, “typing my opinions on random subjects onto a computer screen and hoping a segment of the population still reads newspapers.”
