As a self-employed individual for over 30 years, I, Greg Schwem, have never been a victim of termination. Although, I admit, there have been times I’ve wanted to fire myself for offenses ranging from failure to turn off the coffee maker to neglecting to click “save” on an important Word document.
My friends in the workforce haven’t always been so fortunate. Over the years, I’ve listened to stories of family men who, having diligently arrived at their offices for seemingly normal workdays, found their belongings in cardboard boxes and were escorted from their buildings via security. There was the acquaintance who, on his way to a “meeting” with his boss, stopped to fill his gas tank and found his company credit card had already been deactivated.
One neighbor recounted a Wednesday afternoon where he and his entire department were ordered to dial into a conference line. The department head agonizingly began reading names of the employees who were instructed to hang up if their names were called. Guess what fate befell every employee still on the line when the list was completed?
There is no appropriate way to tell an individual his or her contributions are no longer wanted, although Ryan Bingham, the George Clooney character in Up in the Air, certainly tried to make the confrontation less painful. And yet President Donald Trump, whose inner circle has, lately, seen more turnovers than your average bakery, seems sorely in need of some new and creative methods.
Mr. President, bouncing former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson from his post via Twitter was a great start, but please consider these additional approaches as you continue draining your own swamp:
The Reverse Publishers Clearing House Announcement
Trailed by a camera crew, an actor carrying a microphone and black balloons enters the White House West Wing and knocks on a Trump staff member’s office door. Instead of a massive check, the reporter presents the surprised staffer with a pink slip. If the employee is unavailable, the balloons could be tied to a coffee table or, in the case of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson, a $31,000 dining room set.
The Chinese Dinner
President Trump takes his entire staff and cabinet to a Washington, D.C., Chinese restaurant. At the meal’s conclusion, fortune cookies are distributed and their contents read aloud. Anyone whose fortune reads “Your services are no longer needed” is fired. To lighten the mood, Trump then instructs all fired employees to repeat their fortunes, and then add the phrase “between the sheets.”
The Firing Rally
Trump reveals a long, rambling list of newly fired staffers before an adoring crowd of supporters who, for reasons unknown, begin chanting, “Lock her up!” and “CNN sucks!”
Taking a cue from his own reality show, Trump assembles his entire staff in a boardroom and then baits them into viciously turning on one another.
TRUMP: Who was the project manager on the Mar-a-Lago party the weekend after the Parkland school shooting?
JOHN KELLY: That was Stephen Miller, sir. If you recall, I was against the idea of you going to Mar-a-Lago that weekend.
STEPHEN MILLER: But, in honor of the 17 victims, you didn’t play golf, sir. That was my idea.
TRUMP: Stephen, do you think it was a good idea that I posed with Parkland first responders with my thumb in the air, like I was opening a used car lot?
STEPHEN MILLER: I thought you looked very presidential, sir.
TRUMP: I agree. Jeff Sessions, you’re fired.
And finally …
The Mueller
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reads an indictment from Special Counsel Robert Mueller charging the president with obstruction of justice. Trump fires himself then abruptly reverses his position, citing “fake news.”
