I was hanging lights on our recently purchased Christmas tree when my wife entered the room and sensed something was missing.
“No Christmas music?” she asked
“Not this year,” I replied, connecting another string.
“But you so look forward to creating an annual iTunes holiday playlist,” she said. “And I’ve come to enjoy your choices. The Carpenters, Mariah Carey and … who’s that old guy you only hear in December?”
“Michael Buble?”
“No. Older.”
“Andy Williams,” I said. “And he’s not old. He’s dead.”
“So why the moratorium on carols this year?”
“They’re too offensive,” I said, carefully stepping off the ladder. “Didn’t you hear about that radio station in Cleveland?”
I recounted for her the recent decision by WDOK to ban Baby, It’s Cold Outside, from its holiday rotation, citing inappropriate messaging; namely, a man trying to convince a woman to remain in his home, despite her protests.
“I ought to say, ‘No, no, no,'” sings the female in whatever version you’re listening to, and there have been many as the song was penned in 1944. Meanwhile, the male counters with, “Mind if I move in closer?” And that’s just one line.
The song’s lyrics have been called into question in years’ past but are under fresh scrutiny due to WDOK’s decision. “…in a world where #MeToo has finally given women the voice they deserve, the song has no place,” wrote WDOK host Glenn Anderson in a blog post on the station’s website.
“So, it’s settled,” I said. “We’ll listen to another of my playlists this Christmas. How about ’80s Hair Bands?’ Def Leppard is pretty festive.”
“I’m trying to play on both teams,” my wife said. “I get the uneasiness over the lyrics but c’mon, it’s one song. We’ve amassed hundreds of Christmas classics over the years. How about ‘Do You Hear What I Hear’ by the dead guy? Play that one.”
“Are you kidding?” I replied, incredulously. “Do you hear what I hear, do you see what I see, do you know what I know? Andy should be ashamed of himself.”
Incidentally, a few years before his death, my extended family attended The Andy Williams Christmas Show. Dressed in a flaming red leisure suit, and still of robust voice, Williams belted out the song in its entirety, oblivious to the fact that his audience most likely included the visually challenged, the hearing impaired and those who struggled with school work.
“OK, nix that one,” my wife said. “How about Mariah’s, ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’?”
“Smacks of entitlement,” I countered. “Haven’t we seen enough of that in the Trump era? Why not just listen to Mitch McConnell singing, ‘All I want for Christmas is a conservative majority on the Supreme Court’?”
“OK, OK,” she said. “‘Frosty the Snowman.’ Put that one on auto-repeat.”
“Great idea,” I said. “Let’s sing a song about a creature who defies authority by only pausing for a moment, when the traffic cop specifically told him to stop. It’s a good thing that cop acted appropriately, allowing Frosty to melt away instead of using excessive force. Imagine the lawsuits.”
“Bing Crosby’s ‘It’s a Marshmallow World,'” my wife screamed, sensing triumph. “Nobody could possibly have an issue with that one.”
“Nobody except vegetarians,” I said. “You do realize marshmallows contain gelatin, an animal protein.”
“I’m guessing ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ is out?” my wife sighed.
“Texting while driving, belittling the elderly,” I said.
“It was a rhetorical question,” she replied. “Please tell me you won’t make a scene during Christmas Eve service when the whole congregation sings ‘Joy to the World.'”
“Oh yeah. Real joyful world we’re living in,” I said. “Just ask those 13 federal agencies that released that report last month detailing how climate change has already devastated our economy.”
“Fine, stay home,” she said. “But the rest of us are going to church.”
“Oh, I’ll be there,” I said. “I’ll just sit quietly in the pew with my earbuds.”
Listening to Def Leppard.
