President Trump’s post-Easter week in office could best be summed up via alliteration: pee, porn and paternity.
Now, allow me to add one more “p” word: puppies.
No, our commander in chief did not welcome a cute little canine into the West Wing; although, as this column will soon explain, he desperately needs to.
No, puppies are what I turn to when I can no longer stomach the news coming out of Washington. Rather than scroll through lurid stories detailing alleged bodily functions in Russian hotel rooms, payouts to adult film stars or reports of an illegitimate child fathered by Trump, I navigate to one of my bookmarked social media sites featuring endless videos of puppies cavorting with babies, senior citizens or one another. Even clips of puppies being scolded by their owners after destroying toilet paper rolls make me laugh. A few minutes lost in Puppy World and I can go on with my day, even if that day includes breaking news tweets detailing another fired cabinet official or Trump confidante caught in the crosshairs of the Robert Mueller investigation.
President Trump, unfortunately for America, you spend a good deal of the day on your phone, churning out vitriolic nonsense via Twitter. Why not scroll over to Puppies of Instagram, followed by more than 664,000 individuals who enjoy uploading and viewing still images of adorable little dogs? Sure, a homely looking mutt occasionally finds its way onto the site, but here’s an idea: Repost that image on your Twitter account and add the caption, “This one looks like James Comey.” Wouldn’t that be a better tactic than labeling the former FBI director a “slimeball”? America might say, “Hey, we finally agree on something.” Maybe they’ll hit “reply” and say, “Yo, Mr. President, this one looks like Chuck Todd from NBC. Retweet if you agree.” Now you’re expanding your base!
What about Facebook? You have an account. But, last time I checked, you were using it primarily to brag about a one-time missile launch. Now that Mark Zuckerberg has PROMISED to do a better job when it comes to privacy and data sharing, spend some time viewing what others post and maybe subscribe to a few pages. Start with NTD Funniest, a hilarious Facebook page featuring scores of videos of puppies engaged in all sorts of playful behavior. There are hundreds of cute baby videos, too, but you probably don’t need to be reminded of babies right now.
Even as I type this, sir, I’ve got NTD Funniest open in another window. Oh boy, here’s one of little Labradors that just climbed into a bathtub. Use this video as a metaphor, Mr. President. Tell the American people your election campaign was cleaner than these two pooches. America will melt and say, “Awwwww” as opposed to “Auggghhhhh.”
If this works, sir, then maybe it’s time you get a puppy of your own. Let Barron pick it out. What a photo op that would be! Give it free rein of the White House. Can you imagine your press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, dodging reporters’ questions while stroking a little pooch? The White House press corps would be so smitten, they wouldn’t even hear Huckabee Sanders mixing up the Rob Porter investigation timeline.
For those who think our president is too callous and self-centered to share space with an animal, may I recount a polo match I attended years ago in South Florida. At halftime, patrons spilled out of the stands, took to the field and, in keeping with polo tradition, stomped divots back into place. In the middle of the pack, wearing expensive shoes no doubt named after him, was Trump and his wife, although I can’t remember which wife. My point is, once you stomp divots, strolling through the Rose Garden with a pooper scooper doesn’t seem like that big a stretch.
Mr. President, if none of these arguments sway you to open the Oval Office to a furry canine companion, let me put it to you a little more bluntly:
You need a best friend right now.
