If I may borrow a snippet of a recent President Trump tweet: “I HEREBY DECLARE all future iPhones weigh between 10 and 100 pounds.”
It may be the only way to curtail an annoying phenomenon sweeping our nation’s health clubs; well, mine anyway.
“Plexting.”
Exercise aficionados: Simply follow these three easy steps, and you, too, can develop core stability and strength while satisfying your never-ending lust for constant connectivity.
- Start in plank position, your elbows directly beneath your shoulders, and your feet hip-width apart. Make sure your body is in a completely straight line from your shoulders to ankles.
- Insert your cellphone in one of your outstretched palms.
- With elbows remaining on the ground for support, begin texting with your thumbs. Keep your head upright so, during what is supposed to be a chance to tone your body and ensure maximum good health, you can read and decipher your best friend Sarah’s steady stream of emojis, or even have a FaceTime conversation with fellow classmate Ian.
There! You have executed the perfect “plext.” Once you have mastered this move, you may advance to other cellphone-addled exercises: “Spexting” (texting during spin class), “zexting” (texting in the midst of Zumba) or, for a more challenging workout, hop on the “textmill” for 30 minutes. It looks like a regular treadmill but, as your legs pump away on the moving belt, your biceps will burn as you try and hold your phone while vigorously pounding out the text, “I’M WORKING OUT RIGHT NOW. C U LATER”
I have witnessed all this behavior at my health club. Once or twice, I confess, I was guilty of a plext. But 99.99 percent of the time, my phone stays in my gym shorts pocket, pumping out tunes through my Bluetooth-enabled earbuds. If I respond to every text, email and Instagram comment that appears on my screen during what is supposed to be a chance to shed some chicken wing-induced pounds, then I may as well stay in my office. Better yet, move my office to a nearby Hooters.
Recently, while scrolling through my Twitter feed, I came across a seven-second video of a gym patron sitting upright on a weight bench, flexing his biceps while taking what appeared to be a selfie. Unbeknownst to him, the scene was being filmed by a fellow health club member, who then posted it online, where it quickly gathered more than 10 million views. The ensuing comments flew fast and furious:
“Ever wonder who your girl is talking to behind your back?”
“This person is in the gym, putting the work in, feeling good enough about themselves to take a photo of their development and you’re mocking them? (Expletive) you.”
“Take a picture of yourself at home. Not on our membership time.”
“I take rests between sets and if I want to take a selfie during that time, I’m going to.”
And so it goes.
Personally, I see nothing attractive or self-esteem-building, about filming myself during my workouts. My shirt is always soaked in sweat, the outline looking eerily similar to Mickey Mouse ears. My hair is askew, and my facial expressions fall somewhere between constipation and torment. Not exactly a great meme look. And, yet, my health club allows free use of cellphones anywhere except, for obvious reasons, the locker room. Thankfully, I have never seen anyone taking a locker room selfie; then again, former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is not a member at my club.
Is there a solution to workout cellphone addiction? A health club that bans phones completely would quickly lose every member under the age of 70. Enforcing a “no photos” rule would be impossible, due to the ease of taking photos and videos discretely. Just ask the guy flexing on the weight bench.
Instead, the phone must become part of a workout, not a distraction from it. This is why I’m suggesting to Apple engineers that new iPhones weigh between 10 and 100 pounds, thereby doubling as barbells. Fitness nuts will purchase two, one for each bicep. Replacement phone sales will soar, due to the exorbitant number of phones being dropped due to exhaustion.
And plexting will be damn near impossible.
