Presidential election naysayers, rest easy. For I have discovered the quickest, fairest, most Russian hacker-immune method to elect our next commander in chief. The victor must exhibit strength, determination, cunning, logic and the wherewithal to elude his or her enemies; all presidential qualities, if I dare say.
Also, the ability to navigate a set of greasy steps while wearing an oil-covered body suit, a far more difficult physical maneuver than stepping into the Demilitarized Zone with a North Korean dictator. Sorry, President Trump .
If this sounds vaguely familiar, you have seen Slippery Stairs, a Japanese competition that recently debuted in the United States and was televised on ESPN , a network that also considers hot dog eating a sport. Shane Bigelow, 24, a cheerleading and tumbling coach from Orange County, Calif., competed, along with several of his friends, all recruited by ESPN producers.
Slippery Stairs features barefooted contestants racing up a slide containing two sets of 20 stairs, divided by a brief, flat terrain that Bigelow says is more difficult to traverse them the stairs themselves. The stairs, and the contestant’s uniforms, are coated in a slick substance Bigelow describes as a mixture of water, sugar and Lord only knows what else. If one contestant slips, he or she is likely to wipe out the other competitors on the way down, forcing everybody to start over.
Contestants, Bigelow confirmed, are allowed one “pull” per heat, meaning they can yank on a competitor’s leg, hoping for a spill. Oh, and for good measure, contestants must avoid plastic balls being chucked at them from the top of the slide by Slippery Stairs “officials.”
First one to ring the bell at the top of the stairs wins.
Bigelow bested his competitors in enough heats to earn the dubious title of Slippery Stairs champion, earning an all-expenses paid trip to Palm Springs for his efforts.
“It’s like balancing on a yoga ball,” Bigelow said. “You’re constantly in that flexing position.” He added, “Slow and steady wins the race.”
So, CNN, why not cancel the next presidential debate, build your own slide and invite all the remaining Democratic candidates and President Trump to compete? Personally, I think Pete Buttigieg would win in a landslide. Surely his training as a naval officer in Afghanistan included skills that could be resourceful in Slippery Stairs. But don’t count out fellow military veterans Tulsi Gabbard and Seth Moulton.
As for the other candidates, here are my predictions:
Elizabeth Warren. Her website would contain detailed plans for navigating each step. Following her strategy perfectly, Warren would almost make it to the top before being yanked down by a hard-charging Kamala Harris. Both candidates would embrace at the bottom, smile for the cameras and remark about what fun they are having before resuming their treks.
Cory Booker . I don’t see Booker winning, but I do see him splaying his legs out every time he takes a tumble, in an effort to disrupt as many fellow competitors as possible. After all, the guy is from New Jersey.
Joe Biden. He misses the entire competition after inadvertently going to the wrong location. On the wrong day.
Amy Klobuchar. She should perform admirably since her home state of Minnesota is covered in ice for most of the year.
Beto O’Rourke. He starts out strong, but fails to get any traction halfway through the race, despite employing numerous strategies.
Bernie Sanders. He tries to injure his fellow competitors enough that they need medical care, allowing him to tout the merits of a single-payer healthcare system.
Donald Trump. He complains for months that the entire competition is “rigged.” He also boasts that he can climb stairs better than anyone, as “many people” have confirmed, and denies that he fell on the first step, despite video evidence to the contrary. Finally, he refuses to concede to the eventual victor who, hours after the competition ends, is still being pelted with plastic balls.
Thrown by Donald Trump Jr
