While viewing a daily roundup of the country’s top trending news topics, I heard a California TV reporter utter what might possibly be the biggest oxymoron of the holiday season:
“Sophisticated porch pirates.”
Ever since Christmas enter the cyber age, the term “porch pirates” rears its ugly head, as it refers to bands of thieves who steal unattended boxes left by package delivery services on front porches and in apartment lobbies. As more consumers opt to receive their Christmas gifts from brown UPS vans as opposed to brick-and-mortar retail establishments, targets become more plentiful in December.
OK, that part I get. But sophisticated? What type of thief, other than a truly stupid one, elects to steal something without actually knowing what he or she is acquiring? Don’t these pirates realize what can be purchased online these days?
December 25 is rapidly approaching, yet so far neither my wife nor I have procured a single Christmas gift that did not originate from inside a PC or iPad. Some lovely trinkets, destined to be covered in festive wrap and ribbons, have since arrived at our front door. But so have basic necessities we stumbled upon due to the fact that online retailers are offering steep discounts on, well, everything.
Had porch pirates chosen to plunder our domicile on a recent day, their booty would have included a 20-pound bag of dog food, two dozen energy bars and contact lens solution. I’m no criminal, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that nothing on that list fetches a pretty penny on the black market. Then again, I may be unaware of an underground distribution network headed by a not-to-be-messed-with cocker spaniel.
The Tarzana, Calif., police department labeled its recently-busted porch pirate ring”sophisticated” because the thieves used an app to locate UPS trucks. They followed the drivers and then made off with the loot shortly after it was delivered. However, those same thieves weren’t sophisticated enough to realize home security cameras often outnumber satellite dishes in some neighborhoods.
One homeowner, after reviewing footage from 20 (yes 20!) cameras that ringed his fortress, had clear images of the thief’s truck, the truck’s license plate and the thief himself as he approached the front porch and stole a box containing (wait for it) a ruler and multiple boxes of baking soda. Just an observation, but if THAT’S what I’m ordering online, I don’t think I want to get the police involved.
Here’s my solution to eliminating porch piracy: Rather than displaying “Vicious Dog” and “Premises Monitored” signs as visual deterrents, I suggest everyone tape lists to their front doors detailing what items they have purchased online in the past year. Then let the thieves themselves decide if criminal intent is worth pursuing.
Here’s my list, courtesy of Amazon:
- 1 heavy-duty treadmill mat
- 1 Rapidfire Chimney Starter
- 1 Sprint smartphone tripod mount
- 1 jar of Whey Protein Isolate. (Careful, pirates; it’s heavy.)
- 1 copy of “The Escape” by David Baldacci
- 1 mini microphone recorder for an iPod Nano
- 1 Coleman deck chair with table
Now ask yourselves, pirates, is that stash REALLY worth your time? Perhaps the deck chair would provide comfort as you surveyed the items you stole from consumers who opted for Amazon’s “12 Days of Deals.” On December 7, those included a refurbished Dyson Vacuum Cleaner, a Rubbermaid 42-piece storage set and an Alex Stevens Men’s SuperElf Ugly Christmas Sweater. With those items now in your possession, you’d look stylish during this season of gift thievery. And your warehouse would not only be tidy, but well organized, thanks to Dyson and Rubbermaid respectively.
Face it, pirates. You’re never going to obtain super criminal status by stealing online orders. Why not ensure everybody has a merry Christmas by retiring from illegal activities and getting legitimate jobs?
I’m sure Amazon and UPS could use some sophisticated delivery personnel right now.
