A well-known joke has a man applying for a retail sales job and insisting to the manager that he can sell anything to anybody.
“Prove it,” the skeptical manager responds, nodding to a customer who has just entered the establishment.
Within minutes, the customer exits the store with a top-of-the-line fishing pole, a tackle box loaded with expensive lures, sun block, rain gear, a fish smoker and a speedboat.
Flabbergasted, the manager says, “You are indeed the best salesman I’ve ever seen. Normally, fishermen who come in here just buy bait or something cheap. How did you DO that?”
“Actually, the guy came in looking for tampons for his wife,” the salesman replied. And I said, ‘As long as you’re not doing anything this weekend, why don’t you go fishing?’”
Recently I met this salesman.
I had gone to my local hardware store, seeking a new lock for my front door.
“I just want to feel safe,” I told the salesman.
“That’s not gonna cut it,” the salesman replied. “You need a reinforced steel door. Better get a steel door frame to go with it.”
“Um, OK,” I said. “I guess I’m going to need three of each.’
“Why three?”
“Because I have three entry points into my house. Three doors,” I said.
One Door Is Really All You Need
“Oh, no, if you REALLY want to make your house safe, you should only have one door,” the salesman said. “You need to close off the other two. Follow me. You’ll need a pry bar, some two-by-fours, wallboard, joint compound, primer and baseboard molding.”
“I’m going to need another cart,” I said. “Wait here.”
When we loaded everything into both carts, I began wobbling my way toward the checkout aisle. “Thank you for your help,” I said. “My home already feels much safer.”
“But it’s not,” the salesman said.
“Because…?”
“You need an armed guard outside that single reinforced door.”
“What aisle is he in?”
“Unfortunately, we don’t sell armed guards,” the salesman said. “But a door alone isn’t going to stop a bad guy with a gun from coming in if he wants to. You need a good guy with a gun standing watch any time you are in the house. I have one at my house.”
“You have an armed guard? What does that cost?”
Kids, We Can No Longer Afford Nice Things
“Is there a price on safety?” the salesman replied. “I just told my wife we would have to pull money from our food budget. Oh, and we keep our thermostat at 60 degrees in the winter because we’ve had to tap into the heat budget as well. And when my kids complain that they’ve been wearing the same shoes for three years, I tell them the guard is there to prevent a gun-toting maniac from shooting their feet off!”
“Makes perfect sense,” I said.
“You bet it does,” the salesman said. “They also put up a fuss when I installed the metal detector but they got used to it.”
“Wait, you have a metal detector? In your house?” I asked.
“Yes. As soon as my armed guard lets you through the one door in my house, you have to pass through the metal detector as well.”
“That seems pretty extensive,” I said.
“All I can say is that it’s working,” he said. “Since we eliminated doors at my house, installed the metal detector and hired Adam, the ex-Green Beret, to guard our house, there hasn’t been a single break-in.”
Problem Solved!
“Wow, you truly are an amazing salesman,” I said. “Thanks for your help. I’m going to pay for all this stuff now. Well, first I’m going to liquidate my life savings; but then I’ll pay for it. Then I’m going to go find a metal detector and an armed guard.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry we don’t sell either of those,” the salesman replied. “We sell just about everything else, but it might take you a little while to find both of those.”
“If it means being safe, I’m willing to wait,” I said.
Just then, a sullen-looking young man, no more than 18, approached the salesman.
“Excuse me,” he said. “Do you sell AR-15s?”
“Of course,” the salesman responded. “Follow me.”
