It’s high time I take a stand on behalf of husbands everywhere.
We cannot compete with actor Bradley Cooper. We know our eyes will never be as blue as Cooper’s, nor will our hair be as perfect. Unlike Bradley boy, our two-day beard growths make us look like we’re sorely in need of a half-full whiskey bottle, just so we can finish the remaining contents. No need to remind us.
But, internet, you do remind us, every day, when we see clips of Cooper out touting his latest film, A Star is Born. The movie is, naturally, a smash hit and stars Cooper as a washed up, alcohol-fueled, pill-popping singer who STILL manages to look amazing in every scene. Furthermore, Cooper directed the flick, which means he was responsible for every tight shot of his textbook face. This is a guy who makes Patriots quarterback Tom Brady look flawed.
And now, just when we thought Cooper couldn’t be any more perfect, we find out he is fluent in the language that makes women worldwide swoon the moment they hear it.
French.
Somehow, a clip of Cooper promoting his film on a French talk show appeared on my Facebook feed. Three times in a single day. I have no idea what he was saying, for my knowledge of French is limited to ordering baguettes at the airport Au Bon Pain.
Dressed impeccably and sporting that stubble I referred to earlier, Cooper engages in light-hearted banter with the moderator, who looks thrilled that he is finally interviewing an American, any American, who took the time to learn a second language. At one point, Cooper even makes a JOKE, which, naturally, gets a raucous laugh from every member of the studio audience. Bradley Cooper never bombs. Even at joke telling.
Never once did Cooper pause, attempting to translate the host’s questions to English in his brain before the French responses moved to his lips. Isn’t that the way most of us try and converse in another language? I once strained to order, in German, a sandwich in a Munich deli and became so flustered that I believe I ordered a ham on cement with mustard and pencil shavings. The server took pity on me, switching to English so I could complete my order and keep the line moving.
I did notice Cooper was wearing an earpiece, but I assume he was just hearing offstage technicians telling him how amazing he looked and sounded. Even if the producer had yelled, “Monsieur Cooper, there is a live scorpion crawling up your leg,” Cooper would have calmly finished his response before screaming. In French.
The problem with French is it sounds like a language one could eventually master with a little perseverance. The same cannot be said of, say, Japanese. My friend Bob lived and worked in Tokyo for two years and never got further than, “Taxi!” And let’s be honest, guys, a woman doesn’t care if you can order sushi in the native tongue.
But take that same woman to an authentic French restaurant and watch her reaction as you discuss wine pairings with the sommelier in the language he prefers. Those throaty pronunciations do something to females. Just ask my wife, who would probably be OK with being robbed in Paris, providing the criminal talked continuously as he was relieving her of all her jewelry.
I certainly don’t begrudge Cooper’s success. All I ask is that he keeps some of his hidden talents, well, hidden. BC, you’re an actor and a director, and you regularly walk the red carpet while flashbulbs pop and fans scream your name, clamoring for selfies. Enough is enough!
Or, as they say in French, “Trop c’est trop” (Thank you, Google Translate)
