This story originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune May 21, 2019
In 2011, after the final credits of the bro comedy Entourage rolled across my screen, I cancelled HBO, convinced the cable channel would never again produce anything entertaining enough to justify my monthly subscription fee.
Which is why I never watched a single episode of Game of Thrones. Several Christmases ago, a relative gifted me with the first season on DVD, but I found myself asking, “What just happened?” after every scene, resorting to Wikipedia and internet chat rooms to make sense of what I’d just witnessed. I gave up 45 minutes into the initial episode.
But with the anticipation of last week’s GoT series finale generating more discussion than Ariana Grande’s dating life, and those discussions veering off in more directions than a President Trump news conference, I decided to watch the final episode. Better late than never, right? Maybe I’d retain just enough information so I could freely discuss the series with my GoT-addicted friends, provided they didn’t test my naïveté with questions like, “So, Greg, do you think Jaime should have knighted Brienne? Or SLEPT with her?”
Lacking HBO, I first had to invite myself to a home showing GoT. Easier said than done, as I found out when I asked my tennis buddy Bill.
“Well,” he said, pausing for effect, “I guess it would be OK. But let me check with the wife. Because we sort of have a routine. First, we make sure the kids are out of the house. Then we turn out all the lights and…”
“Never mind,” I said, feeling a little squeamish. Bill appeared relieved.
Eventually my neighbors Mitch and Amy took pity on me. I provided beer and promised I would not pester them with intricate, plot-specific questions like, “Who’s that?” and “Why is everybody carrying a sword?” even though both said they would willingly pause the episode and provide me with some “deep background” at any point. I only had to ask.
What follows is my summation of season eight, episode six, complete with time codes, proving that I watched the finale in its entirety:
8:03 p.m. The opening credits are still rolling. I refrain from asking Mitch and Amy if they can fast-forward.
8:07 p.m. The actor I recognize as Miles Finch from “Elf” appears, looking more upset than when Will Ferrell’s character asked, “Does Santa know you’re here?” His foul mood may be directly related to the fact that various fires are burning around him.
8:15 p.m. Miles Finch finds two buried bodies and begins to weep. Mitch informs me they are Finch’s brother and sister. I neglect to ask how both ended up dead but, considering the bodies were under a pile of bricks, I have my suspicions.
8:16 p.m. A dragon flies overhead. Truthfully, after reading half a million tweets about this creature, I was expecting more.
8:17 p.m. A Queen appears, speaking in a foreign tongue. Hundreds of soldiers enthusiastically respond by pounding their spears in unison. Even the dragon seems to understand her language. I rely on subtitles to learn the queen is a serious badass.
8:28 p.m. I learn the queen has had a rough go of it lately. She saw her friend beheaded and witnessed a dragon being shot from the sky. But she retaliated by burning down an entire city.
8:31 p.m. I break the “no pestering” and “no dumb questions” rule.
“Is that Jon Snow?” I ask?
“Yes,” Amy replies tersely, her eyes never leaving the screen. The “pause episode/provide deep background” offer is, by now, clearly off the table.
8:35 p.m. Did you know a dragon can conceal itself under a pile of ash?
8:42 p.m. Jon Snow fatally stabs the queen. Out of love.
8:50 p.m. A gathering of lords and ladies meets to appoint a new ruler while reminiscing about past throat cuttings.
8:54 p.m. A lord casually suggests a new ruler should not be appointed, but elected via a democratic process. He is mercilessly ridiculed. Hey, if I wanted to watch C-SPAN, I would have stayed home.
9:03 p.m. I’m restless. All season long I’ve been reading GoT tweets referencing epic battles, mass murders and beheadings. But, after nearly an hour, nothing of the sort has taken place. Truthfully, the entire cast looks too tired to behead one another.
9:12 p.m. King Bran the Broken is elected. Excuse me, appointed.
9:20 p.m. An army heads into a winter environment looking woefully underclothed. Miles Finch and the dragon have disappeared.
Fade to black.
Mitch and Amy’s daughter runs excitedly into the room, having watched on another TV somewhere in the house. “Wasn’t that amazing?” she said.
Her parents agree.
Personally, I thought “Entourage” had a better ending.
