I’ll admit, it’s a tad early to pull out the wacky “Happy New Year” glasses, the champagne flutes, the confetti and the noisemakers. But since Memorial Day weekend came and went quietly (unless you received an invitation to a pool party in the Lake of the Ozarks) and most Fourth of July festivities have already been cancelled due to COVID-19 concerns, why not just move the calendar forward? To New Year’s Eve?
After all, 2020 has already assumed its place as the worst year in modern history — even Depression-era survivors didn’t have to wear masks — so I don’t anticipate any pushback. We’ve almost made it halfway and that should be enough.
So, somebody get Ryan Seacrest on the line, have New York Governor Andrew Cuomo erect barricades in Times Square; one or two should be plenty; tell best New Year’s Eve bros Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen to clear their schedules for the evening of June 30, and invite Mariah Carey to lip synch a song or two that evening.
Let’s have a party to ring out a truly monstrous year. Just remember to social distance and keep your phones handy to record any possible instances of racial profiling or police brutality. Take it away, Ryan.
“Good evening, I’m Ryan Seacrest coming to you live from New York City. You’re looking at the Waterford Crystal Times Square New Year’s Eve ball, which has been thoroughly sanitized by a team of cleaning professionals in hazmat suits. Fun fact, more than 1 million unemployed U.S. citizens applied for those jobs this year.
As I gaze south down Broadway, I see hundreds, maybe thousands, nah, let’s keep it at hundreds, of revelers all standing six feet apart and anxiously awaiting the big moment. Champagne is flowing heavily, but only because liquor stores are deemed essential businesses. Let me head down and interview a few tourists, who were lucky enough to get seats on the severely limited number of flights coming into New York City. Excuse me sir, wait, let me put on my mask.”
“Mpbhghtpm”
“Nbumdphcvd”
“Thank you. For those of you who don’t speak fluid COVID-19, I asked him where he was from and he said, “Albuquerque.”
“By the way, I want to thank Zoom, our official sponsor for tonight’s ball drop. Can’t make it to Times Square by midnight? No worries. Join the 800 million people who are experiencing New Year’s Virtual Eve on a single Zoom line, all revealing their New Year’s resolutions simultaneously in the world’s largest display of pandemonium.
Right now, let’s hear from President Trump, who is delivering a ‘Happy New Year’ message live from the Trump National Golf Club in Jupiter, Florida. Mr. President, take it away.”
“You’re a loser, Ryan. Bring back Dick Clark. Oh, and China bad. Twitter bad. Stock market looking good. Vote Republican. Keep America great.”
“Uh, thank you, Mr. President. Well, it looks like we are about 30 minutes away from 2021. As I look north, I see people streaming out of Central Park, anxious to become part of the festivities. As you know, Central Park is a great place to jog, bike, rollerblade and even bird watch. Just remember to keep your dog on a leash.
We are about 15 seconds away from the new year. Everybody grab your loved one; check that, gaze at your loved one while maintaining a safe distance and count off with me: Ten, nine, eight, seven, and wait a minute. It appears there has been a malfunction. The ball has gone dark. Jenny McCarthy, what can you tell us?”
“Ryan, I’m just receiving word that the New York power grid is no longer functioning due to the high number of people who were unable to pay their electric bills after being laid off. Looks like we are going to have a dark new year.”
“I don’t think the country can take more of that, Jenny.”
“Mpbhghtpm”
