This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune February 20, 2018
I always feel neglected when a recent poll or survey is cited in news reports. Never have I been asked to comment about events shaping, or about to shape, our society.
On election days, I dutifully vote but never encounter an exit pollster asking me to reveal my choices for president, senator or even board member of my local water reclamation district. Of course, my answer to the last question would be, “Wait, we have a local water reclamation district?” Still, I’d love to be asked. At least once.
I’ve never answered a phone call, or opened an email from an inquisitive sort anxious to hear about my sleep schedule, where to find the best Chicago gelato, whether Donald Trump is fit to be president, or the myriad other topics that eventually form the basis for news stories beginning with, “A recent survey found…”
Instead, I must rely on other, luckier, individuals to tell me the average American gets 7 hours and 19 minutes of sleep per night (Sleep Cycle, 2017), one should order the Malted Vanilla from Black Dog Gelato (Chicago magazine, July 2017) or that yes, Donald Trump is the FITTEST, most MENTALLY STABLE, TERRIFIC president in the history of presidential presidents. (The Trump Poll, administered by Donald Trump).
Now, despite being an avid Facebook user, I’ve apparently been passed over again. The social media giant recently asked random users a single question, preceded by a slight dose of humility.
“(Name of user), we’d like to do better,” the survey begins. “Please agree or disagree with the following statement: Facebook is good for the world.”
That’s it. Users can choose “Strongly agree,” “Agree,” “Neither agree nor disagree,” “Disagree” or “Strongly disagree.”
No word from Facebook yet on the survey’s results, vague as they will be. I’m sure Russian election hackers are strongly agreeing with the survey, while a user in middle America whose account is now being inundated with spam because they randomly clicked on a “Hey this is hilarious. You should check it out” video might feel otherwise.
I would like Facebook to repost this survey, include me as a participant, and this time provide some guidance for which choice to select. The new survey would look like this:
“Facebook is good for the world.”
— Strongly agree. Choose this if you are part of a Russian organization hell bent on altering the outcome of U.S. elections, or if you are an expert in conspiracy theories and identify theft. Also choose this if you are President Donald Trump.
— Agree. Choose this if you, for inexplicable reasons, feel that posting 87 pictures of your recently completed Caribbean vacation somehow alters the world for the better.
— Neither agree nor disagree. Choose this if you are just now setting up your Facebook account because one of your friends in the retirement community said it was a great way to stay in touch with your grandchildren. Please be advised that if your grandchildren are between the ages of 12 and 24, they are fleeing Facebook in droves because people like you are now using it. This is according to a recently released eMarketer survey. (Shockingly, I wasn’t asked to participate in that one either).
— Disagree. Choose this if you, in a moment of weakness, posted your views about the following topics: politics, religion, Black Lives Matter, #MeToo, same sex bathrooms, gay wedding cakes, gun control, Muslims, Johnny Weir’s fashion choices, Omarosa, Fox News, a Kardashian sister’s parenting skills, Justin Timberlake’s halftime performance or why you don’t think it’s necessary to tip servers at a buffet because, “I’m doing all the work. All they did was bring me one glass of water.” Or if you are the recipient of the previously mentioned, 87-pic Caribbean vacation slideshow
— Strongly disagree. Choose this if you are Hillary Clinton.
Facebook, I will be looking for your survey the next time I open my feed. While I’m not sure of my choice, I’m leaning toward “disagree,” only because I, like so many users, have grown weary of trolls and bots that have infiltrated an app that I began using solely to find long lost acquaintances.
Then again, I am headed to the Caribbean this week. Pics to follow!
