In my mind, Donald Trump is a vegetable. And I mean that in the most glowing of terms.
With January 20 looming ever closer, I am resigned that Trump will indeed take the presidential oath of office, barring some revelation such as concrete proof that foreign powers meddled in the election. Wait, never mind.
Now that their gloating phase is complete, many Trump supporters are working to sway public opinion towards their man, offering a more conciliatory tone than their pre-election ranting and unified chants of “Lock her up.”
“Just give him a chance,” some have said to me. “In time you might grow to like him.”
What choice do I have? Which is why I am comparing Trump to edible plants that help reduce cholesterol levels. Let me explain.
Growing up, like most kids, I hated vegetables. ALL vegetables. Much to my mother’s chagrin, I moved carrots listlessly around my plate, “accidentally” dropped peas on the floor, and summoned my loudest, most disgusting gag reflex each time a green bean entered my esophagus. My mother could only sigh and say, “In time, you’ll grow to like them.” For the most part, she was correct.
It appears some of the nation’s top Republicans attempted the vegetable strategy when dealing with our president-elect. Witness Mitt Romney who in March called Trump a “phony,” a “fraud” and added that “The Apprentice” host was “playing members of the American public for suckers.”
Fast forward to their well-publicized meeting when Romney’s name was being bantered about for a cabinet position – specifically Secretary of State. Following dinner at Manhattan’s Jean George’s restaurant (Slogan: “If you can’t pronounce our name, please leave”) Romney gushed to reporters at Trump’s “message of inclusion and bringing people together.” Suddenly Romney was the politician who hated onions as a kid but now won’t eat a hot dog without them. And Trump was the grand onion.
Trump, however, treated Romney like parsley, casting him aside in favor of Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson. If Romney left the meeting in tears, well, that’s what onions do.
Other politicians and business leaders critical of Trump appear to warm to him in the same way I warmed to spinach. Former Hewlett-Packard CEO and onetime presidential candidate Carly Fiorina called Trump a “champion” and praised his “executive abilities” only a few months after calling Trump out during a GOP debate following his, “Look at that face…Would anybody vote for that?” comment. True, Fiorina’s about “face” opinion came as rumors swirled that Trump was considering her for the director of national intelligence post. Still, her willingness to meet with Trump and say nice things about the man who bragged about grabbing women’s crotches proves that she, like Romney, is trying to develop a taste for our next asparagus-in-chief.
Right now I liken Trump to a Brussel sprout. As a kid, the smell of the little boiling cabbages made me feel sick. The sight of them hastened that feeling. Being forced to eat one left me running for the bathroom.
Today, I still rank them as one of my least favorite vegetables yet I will consume one, possibly two, if they accompany a restaurant entrée or a dinner party host chooses to serve them. And who knows? Perhaps Trump, once he stops tweeting, will do great things for this country, giving him tomato status with me. At one time, I also hated tomatoes but now consume them in everything from salads, to pasta to sandwiches. I even considered having a Bloody Mary the morning after Trump was elected, although I quickly realized that vodka was not the solution, even if it was laced with tomato by-products.
So Mr. Trump, I am indeed giving you a chance. I pledge to not cast your ideas aside like the carrots of my youth. Your misogynistic personality? I will tolerate it in small bites, hoping your ego is a plus when it comes to dealing with terrorist organizations that threaten America.
Just don’t do anything that drops you to the rank of lima bean. For I will always and forever HATE lima beans.
