The Pentagon is reportedly discussing options for President Trump’s requested military parade, “options” being another word for “Maybe he’ll forget about the whole idea.”
Like most of Trump’s ideas, this one is being met with opinions so diverse, a GPS is required to navigate them. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) called the request “kind of cheesy and a sign of weakness” while former Navy SEAL and Osama bin Laden assassin Robert O’Neill labeled it “Third World bulls — -.” Conversely, former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer tweeted most Americans would “love the pomp and will take pride in the show of force/honor of the troops.”
I think the fact that nobody has attempted to invade our country since the War of 1812 speaks volumes about our military muscle. But if Trump needs more proof, I have a suggestion for his parade route:
My neighborhood.
Right now, it’s assumed the parade will take place in Washington, D.C., along Pennsylvania Avenue, making it easier for Trump to momentarily pause Fox and Friends, log off his Twitter account and step outside to salute weaponry. But I think the suburban Chicago village I’ve called home for nearly 25 years would be a more secure, and less costly, alternative.
I’ll get to finances in a minute; first let’s discuss the president’s safety. I’ve already spoken to one of my village’s police commanders, a 27-year veteran of the force. He proudly stated that all our parades have gone off without any disturbances, including the St. Patrick’s Day spectacle; no small feat in an area with a heavy Irish population.
Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, I’ll map out the route for you. Let’s make my local park district the staging area. The large parking lot and adjoining Little League fields have ample space to line up assorted armor vehicles and missile systems. If your boss chooses to ride on a float, one no doubt sponsored by the Trump Hotel brand, there’s room for that too.
After exiting the parking lot, the parade should turn east, toward the Walgreens. During that half mile stretch, employees of an optometry office, a real estate firm and a 10-minute oil and lube shop can stop what they’re doing and cheer on our tax dollars at work. When the parade approaches the village’s main intersection, uniformed officers will signal the F-22 Raptor, or whatever piece of artillery is leading the procession, to turn left on State Street, our main thoroughfare. Normally, our residents must wait for a left turn arrow to complete this maneuver, and the delay can be infuriating. We will make an exception for President Trump.
Once the parade heads north, I have a spot picked out for the commander in chief to stand. It’s right in front of the local McDonald’s. Now the president will be near two things he absolutely adores: a strong military and fast food. Note that we also have a Taco Bell, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Burger King in case you want to change the viewing stand’s location.
Is there a chance we could wait until spring to stage the parade? Warmer weather would allow children to set up lemonade and baked goods stands along the route. Our village holds regular fundraisers with profits from brownies and muffins routinely aiding our school district. If the kids are OK with it, I’m sure we could make an exception and steer all proceeds toward deferring the cost of shipping tanks to Illinois.
The parade would end in the village square, which continues to thrive. Hungry soldiers marching in the parade can always find a food truck or two parked there. And the recently opened microbrewery? You should read the Yelp reviews! Our uniformed men and women will love the Milk Stout. It’s my personal favorite.
The police commander assured me that, due to the village’s quaint size, the parade will take an hour tops. The President can be back on Air Force One by midafternoon. But if he’s hungry, have the motorcade stop at a small Polish deli on the village’s outskirts. It serves amazing kielbasa, made fresh daily by a delightful immigrant fam …
Wait. Never mind.
