My desire to appear on a daytime talk show waned considerably after Oprah called it quits in 2011. But, each Fall, I still scour the new crop of talkers, wondering if any have room on the couch for a middle-aged Midwestern man who could speak frankly, perhaps tearfully, on…what exactly?
Which leads me to The Kelly Clarkson Show.
Confession, I’ve been a fan of Clarkson ever since she became a household name by winning the inaugural season of American Idol, out-singing some dude with weird hair in the finals. Several of Clarkson’s tunes reside on my workout playlist and her folksy, “Aw shucks, y’all, I’m just a country Texas girl turned country Texas millionaire” style seems totally genuine. So, out of curiosity, I gravitated to her new talk show’s website, clicked the “Be a Guest” link and perused topics for upcoming episodes.
It didn’t start off promising. “Did a Rideshare Change Your Life?” No, but change the topic to “Did a Rideshare Make Your Life Pass Before Your Eyes?” and I’ll gladly tell Clarkson about the time my Uber driver nearly collided with a semi while attempting to locate…wait for it… O’Hare airport.
“Is Your Neighborhood Special?” Be more specific. If “special” means living among a group of homeowners who, initially, shunned me because I dared to admit my allegiance to the Cubs over the White Sox, then yes, it’s very special. When the Cubs won the World Series in 2016, I had to drive to another town before emitting screams of joy and relief.
“Do You Need a Break From Social Media?” Uh, doesn’t everyone? Certainly there are far worthier guests that can admit it would do them a world of good to put down their phones. Start with President Trump.
Then I spied it: “Daddy Do-Over.”
“Sometimes dad has to miss a big event,” the call for guests began. “Sometimes we wish we’d let dad know how important he is. Sometimes we miss our one shot to do something we’d always wanted to do with dad. Well, here’s your chance to change all that. Whether you’re a dad who wants a do-over with your kids, or a son/daughter who wants a moment back with your dad — let us know your story and we may feature you on the show!”
My eyes hovered over the first part: “Sometimes dad has to miss a big event.” Yes Kelly, this dad has missed numerous events since his two daughters were born. Are you and your producers willing to recreate these events for me? If so, here’s my list. Feel free to contact me through social media, as I don’t have the willpower to take a break from it.
Naps. If you’re a dad, sleeping is a big, correction, a momentous event. Do you know how much shut-eye I missed when my children were infants? Not to mention teenagers. Just wheel a comfortable bed onto your stage and I’ll take it from there. You can even belt out Since U Been Gone while standing over me. Trust me, I’ll sleep right through it.
Money. Okay, money’s not an event but HAVING some certainly is. I’m not asking you to reimburse me for my kids’ college tuitions. That was money well spent. How about something simpler? In 2001, I signed up my daughter, then four, for a tots soccer league, only to watch her spend every game crying on the sidelines. That cost me $120. I’d like those funds back please. No need to recreate the games.
Finally, is there any chance you could reunite the 2006–7 Chicago Bears team? I missed watching their NFC championship victory because I took my daughter to a High School Musical concert. Instead of singing, “Bear Down Chicago Bears” that day, I was mouthing the words of “We’re All In This Together” for two hours.
Kelly, if you feel any of these events merits a do-over, I’m ready to fly to Los Angeles and appear on your show. I just have one request when I land at the airport.
Don’t send an Uber.
