I approached the reception desk at the large, Chicago-based technology firm, paper bag in hand. The receptionist greeted me warmly.
“May I help you, sir?”
“Yes. Are you currently hiring?”
“We are indeed. Would you like to fill out an application?”
“First, I’d like to learn about benefits,” I said.
“Well, I can’t speak for the entire company, but I do know we offer full medical and dental, two weeks paid vacation, profit sharing…”
“What about sperm freezing?”
“Excuse me?” she said, eyeing the paper bag warily.
“If I work here, and elect to have my sperm frozen, will the company pay for it?”
The receptionist glanced over my shoulder searching, I assumed, for an idle security guard. The lobby remained empty.
“Why would we do that, sir?” she asked.
“Aren’t you familiar with what’s happening in Silicon Valley?” I replied. “Tech giants like Apple and Facebook are now paying for female employees to freeze their eggs. The idea being that young women who put off childbearing while they climb the corporate ladder will have healthy eggs awaiting them when they decide to start families a few years down the road.”
“So?”
“So, don’t you think men should have that same option? I’m willing to dedicate myself 100 percent to this firm. But my little ‘swimmers’ may not be so rambunctious in a few years. So why shouldn’t this company pay to keep them on ice?”
“Sir, I’m just curious. What’s in that bag?”
“My lunch,” I replied. “What did you think was in it?”
“I…never mind,” the receptionist said. “I think you will have to speak to someone in upper management. Please have a seat.”
Five minutes later, a well-dressed woman strode through the glass doors. I jumped up to introduce myself.
“Greg Schwem,” I said, extending my hand. She neglected to take it.
“I’m Kimberly, Vice President of Human Resources,” she said. “I understand you have a question about… sperm storage?”
“Cryopreservation, if you want to use the fancy title.”
“I know what it is, Mr. Schwem.”
“Are you familiar with what’s happening in California?” I asked. “Employers footing the bill, which often runs in the thousands, for female employees to freeze their eggs?”
“I’m aware of it,” Kimberly said. “And we are looking into a similar program here.”
“And yet your website says you’re an equal opportunity employer. So don’t you think we men should be afforded a similar program?
She said nothing, so I pressed on.
“Kimberly, did you know that stress can cause low sperm counts? There’s probably a bunch of male employees behind that door whose counts are plummeting as we speak because they are agonizing over a project deadline. True?”
“Possibly true, but…”
“So don’t you think they’d be overjoyed if, on their first day of employment, your firm could collect their ‘fish’ and store them in a subzero meat locker somewhere? Immune from stress, alcohol intake, hazardous chemicals and all those other job-related side effects that could reduce their abilities to become fathers?”
“We don’t have a dedicated ‘fish collection’ room, Mr. Schwem. “If we created one, it would mean rearranging a lot of cubicles.”
“Furthermore, Kimberly,” I continued, “Need I remind you that a recent Gallup poll found 50 percent of Illinois residents want to move elsewhere? Perhaps this is a way to improve job retention. This firm could be a pioneer in attracting and keeping top employees, both male and female!”
“Mr. Schwem, if I may speak frankly, you seem a little, uh, mature to be delaying your child rearing years. How old are you?”
“Fifty-two, but what difference does that make? Look at Rod Stewart, Michael Douglas, Woody Allen. All hard working guys dedicated to their crafts. All late in life fathers. Well, all early in life fathers, too, but you get my point.”
“Mr. Schwem, I think we’ll hold off on a sperm freezing compensation program for now. Do you still wish to apply for employment here? We do have other benefits. Do you know about our onsite health club? Jogging track, weight room, cycling classes…”
“Count me out for cycling classes,” I said. “Studies show prolonged biking can reduce my sperm count.”
