Hard to believe Christmas 2022 has come and gone. It seems like only yesterday the 2021 holiday was upon us and people were freaking out about attending festive family gatherings because of COVID-19 germs and a toxic political environment.
It’s nice to know some things never change.
What did change, as always, were Christmas wish lists. Even the most well known public figures were disappointed this year. Don’t believe me? Behold, a partial list of gifts some of the world’s most well known figures did not — and in some cases, will never — receive this blessed holiday season:
Taylor Swift: Tickets to her own concert tour.
Harry and Meghan: Keys to Buckingham Palace. Also, the correct garage code.
Elon Musk: Loyal employees.
Ed Sheeran: A hairbrush.
Congressman elect (?) George Santos: Stupid, non-inquisitive journalists.
Southwest Airlines CEO Bob Jordan: An IT expert who will say, “Just reboot the system and everything should be fine.”
Pete Davidson: Uh, why is he on this list? That dude got everything he wanted in 2022.
Donald Trump: Relevance.
Donald Trump Jr.: A job. Wait, never mind. He didn’t ask for one.
Will Smith: The neuralyzer from his Men in Black movies. You know, it’s that contraption that erases people’s memories. Ideally Smith needed it the night of the Oscars, but rumor has it he’s been searching for one ever since.
Tom Brady: See “Will Smith.”
The cast of Saturday Night Live: The ability to write one funny sketch that does not involve bringing back a former cast member to make a guest appearance.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis: A longer pair of skis. In 2023, expect him to remain WAY over the tips of his current pair.
Florida residents: Manners.
Kari Lake: More votes.
Kanye West: A menorah.
The January 6th Committee: Closure.
Dr. Mehmet Oz: A holiday party featuring crudites.
Sam Bankman-Fried: Freedom.
George Stephanopolous: A card from Sam Bankman-Fried thanking him for “that great interview.”
Crypto investors: A positive return.
Dogs: Owners who aren’t nervous about what 2023 will bring.
Cats: Cats don’t need anything.
