The next time you are traveling through Oregon and spot a zebra finch, or what non-ornithologists call “a bird,” it’s best to stay away. The creature may be drunk. In their attempts to understand the relationship between alcohol and speech impairment, researchers at Oregon Health and Science University recently chose to ply the birds with…
At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon, I have a message for all superstar rock groups fronted by charismatic lead singers who are thinking about crashing my daughter’s wedding. Back off. This announcement became necessary after I watched the viral video for Maroon 5’s new single, Sugar, featuring the band invading nuptials all over…
Somewhere in one of this world’s four hemispheres there lies a land mass void of a human populace but littered with cardboard UPS boxes, puffy FedEx mailer envelopes and baskets stuffed with now inedible holiday delicacies. You won’t find this secretive location on any atlas or globe; Google Maps will offer no assistance. Even shuttle…
Santa’s elves received the email this week as their boss loaded his sleigh. The message was so ominous, no subject line was needed: We, the Guardians of Christmas Present (GOCP) have successfully hacked Santa’s gift list. We are aware of who’s been naughty and nice. We have Santa’s itinerary for the 24th and hold in…
Kudos to the artists who quickly filled in for U2 frontman Bono at the recent World AIDS Day event in New York City. Billed on the band’s website as “U2 minus one,” the quickly announced concert featured Bruce Springsteen and Coldplay’s Chris Martin joining The Edge, Larry Mullen and Adam Clayton onstage and singing tunes…
I am sneezing in between paragraphs, coughing at the completion of each sentence and wiping my bloodshot eyes as I proofread this column. I see no need to visit the doctor, for I know this horrible cold will pass. The symptoms always dissipate approximately one week after I have attended a wedding. I don’t know…
“Hello, you’ve reached the Christie residence. This is Governor Chris Christie. Nobody is home right now but please leave a message and we’ll call you back.” (BEEP) “Uh, Governor Christie? This is the Father’s Day/Mother’s Day Council calling. We’re the organization that honored you as a ‘Father of the Year’ on June 4 in New…
Annette Marie Westwood’s memory is sketchy when she recalls the moment she walked in on her husband having sex with a female co-worker. “I do remember thinking she had really nice breasts,” Westwood said. Westwood, 42, divorced her husband, forgave him, remarried him and divorced him a second time after another affair. Therapy followed. At…
I often wonder what it would be like to meet that guy from the beer commercials, dubbed the “World’s Most Interesting Man.” Would we discuss politics? Cooking? Opera? Definitely not opera because that’s a subject I know nothing about and, out of boredom, he would probably leave with that posse of women who accompany him…
I approached the reception desk at the large, Chicago-based technology firm, paper bag in hand. The receptionist greeted me warmly. “May I help you, sir?” “Yes. Are you currently hiring?” “We are indeed. Would you like to fill out an application?” “First, I’d like to learn about benefits,” I said. “Well, I can’t speak for…
