Donald Trump: Vegetable in Chief
Can Donald Trump gain tomato status with the author? Or will he forever be a lima bean?
Merry Christmas Honey. Here’s Your Roomba!
My wife and I sat in our respective chairs, enduring a barrage of holiday commercials when Santa suddenly appeared on the TV, gushing over some state-of-the-art vacuum that, according to him, was the perfect Christmas gift. “We need a new vacuum,” my wife said. “Great,” I responded. “I need a few more gift ideas for…
Doze Through the Holidays with the Hallmark Channel
A new Christmas tradition in the Schwem household unexpectedly surfaced Thanksgiving night when my wife was channel hopping and stumbled upon the Hallmark Channel. Yes, we knew the greeting card company owned a television network and we help pay for its existence via our monthly cable bill. However, we had no idea Hallmark executives thought…
Hello Bruce Springsteen, I’m…Next Please!
I set my alarm 90 minutes before my normal wake up time. I secured my place in line two hours before the doors opened. I rehearsed, discarded and reformulated my introductory comment repeatedly. Should I open with a personal memory? Should our conversation be poignant? Funny? What if I ask a question and he responded…
A Trump Presidency Means Fewer Televisions, More BBQs
Now that the world is slowly coming to grips with the fact that Donald J. Trump will be our next Commander N. Chief, I have a message for our nation’s television salespeople: “Be afraid. Be very afraid.” If you work on commission, netting a tidy profit for every Samsung, Sharp and LG flat-panel that you…
How I Won the World Series for the Cubs (I think)
The first accolade came as I walked from my Phoenix hotel room to the lobby in search of a Starbucks blend that wasn’t present in room 3028. “Congratulations,” a woman said, her eyes gesturing to my sternum. While in the coffee line, a text popped up: “You did it. Helluva job.” A Facebook message followed…
An Open Letter To Everyone: Stop Writing Open Letters!
My day always begins with a mug of highly caffeinated coffee, the precursor to an energetic plunge through the world’s headlines, courtesy of the websites I’ve bookmarked on my Mac. Naturally, I start with my employer, the Chicago Tribune (suck-up sentence), segue over to The New York Times and The Washington Post, peruse the easy to…
Thanksgiving and Election ’16: A Recipe for Disaster
The question I posed over the phone to a relative was innocent enough: “Who are you voting for?” “Trump,” she replied, after a short pause. Perhaps the hesitancy stemmed from the fact that I didn’t actually phrase the question as stated above. I believe my word-for-word query was, “I can’t believe this psycho billionaire nutjob…
5 Great Recipes for Your Debate Tailgate
On Sept. 26, I was one of 84 million debate viewers who spent the evening glued to the TV as our next president chided our soon-to-be most famous loser. That’s not a prediction for who will win on Nov. 8, but one needn’t employ fact checkers to realize one of the two candidates will replace…
Hey Uber, How about a Self-Conversing Vehicle?
Greg Schwem is a corporate comedian and business emcee who is always looking for cheap fares…in Uber and in life Just as I was embracing the idea of letting strangers drive me around in their personal vehicles while having access to my credit card information, their employer comes along and screws it up. Of course,…