I yawned as I read the subject line in my inbox, this email courtesy of Jewel-Osco, my local grocery store.
“We love hearing from our customers!”
Like anyone who has made a recent retail purchase, be it kumquats, hemorrhoid cream or a caramel macchiato, I’ve grown weary of the barrage of “How did we do?/Give us your feedback/Tell us about your experience!” emails that bombard my inbox mere seconds after slapping down my credit card. I have written about it in this column, joked about it onstage in my stand-up act, and learned to assemble all of these breathless requests together in an email folder so I can rid them of my life with a simple “delete all” click.
But this one stood out, for it not only asked me to rate my last Jewel-Osco shopping experience, but items I purchased. Specifically, it asked me to write a review of an 8-ounce package of medium shredded Lucerne cheddar cheese.
That’s a difficult opportunity to turn down, considering I am a journalist who specializes in the written word, and a comedian who works, at most, one hour a night. I opened my laptop, determined to make this review one for the ages while, simultaneously, inserting enough sarcasm so the marketing team at Jewel-Osco realizes the ludicrous nature of their requests and they can unsubscribe me.
First I was asked how many stars the cheese deserved. Although I am in the minority, I am an enthusiastic five star proponent. If my Uber driver delivers me to the correct location without colliding with anything, or anybody? Five stars!
If my restaurant meal did not result in food poisoning, and my server wrote it down and delivered it correctly? Five stars.
I had only used the cheese once when the email arrived. Thinking back, I added it to a morning omelet, which definitely enhanced the flavor. Cheese tends to do that, as any chef knows, particularly the five-star variety.
Only the Highest Rating for This Cheese
I clicked “five stars,” knowing what was coming next.
“What did you like about the product? What could be improved?” asked Jewel-Osco.
I decided to tackle the first question while the omelet was still fresh in my head.
“What impressed me most about the cheese was the uniformity of each ‘shred,’” I began.
“So often I open similar cheese packages, only to find bits of cheese that are misshapen, lacking in the pale orange color one expects from cheese and clearly not worthy of existing alongside their fellow cheese remnants.
“This has caused great duress in the past, sometimes forcing me to switch my breakfast meal to oatmeal. But don’t get me started on the cardboard tube Quaker Oats dares to house its product in! I had to take a mental health day after seeing a slight dent in the packaging.
“Yet, upon examining all 1,147 slivers of cheddar, I was satisfied Lucerne had not tried to bamboozle me into thinking I was purchasing anything short of the company’s finest efforts. I commend them for their attention to detail.”
But Will the Cheese Stay Fresh?
I still had to address the “improvement” query. After praising the cheese’s appearance and taste, I chose to focus on the zipper closure designed to keep the cheese fresh in the bag, while enticing shelf appearance.
“I did have an issue with the zipper thingy,” I wrote, unable to produce a technical term for the plastic piece. “There was a moment when the zipper became stuck as I was resealing the cheese. Only when I reversed the zipper’s direction, and made a second attempt, did this issue correct itself. My blood pressure and heart rate returned to normal.”
Finally, at Jewel-Osco’s request, I gave my review a title:
“Brought to My Knees by this Amazing Cheese!”
Satisfied, I clicked “submit,” closed my laptop and ventured outside for a long bike ride. I’ll need a clear head to write a review of a travel-sized deodorant stick.
