When it comes to luck, my sense of timing could not be worse. If one lane on a congested interstate suddenly starts moving at normal speed, I just moved to the other lane, and am now sandwiched between two semis, both hauling explosives. If I schedule an outdoor party, local weather forecasters immediately start telling…
DetailsI recently contracted a social media manager, which is a business-y phrase for “paying somebody to make me more popular on Instagram.” Jeremy’s duties were clear: Figure out how to increase exposure for my streaming television show, A Comedian Crashes Your Pad, by getting me more YouTube views, more Instagram followers and “likes.” As he…
DetailsIf you are struggling to find something, anything, positive about a year spent being cooped up inside, masked when venturing outside and wondering if that sneeze is the first sign of a horrible disease, look no further than your feet. Walking is making a comeback. I’m not actually sure the art of moving one foot…
DetailsThe crypto, or should I say cryptic, headline caught my eye as I scrolled the morning newsfeed following a getaway weekend in Phoenix: “If You Invested your Three Stimulus Checks in Bitcoin, Dogecoin or Ethereum, Here’s How Much You’d Have Now.” It is nearly impossible to have a conversation with anyone with even limited investment…
DetailsI’ll admit it: I’m a great eavesdropper. A professional eavesdropper even. I’ve elevated myself to the pro ranks. Not only is my hearing excellent when I’m within the vicinity of your cellphone conversation or public banter, but I will go to great lengths to be near you if I feel I’m going to overhear something…
DetailsEight girls, all in their early 20s and adorned with “Birthday Babe” T-shirts, frolicked along the Savannah, Georgia, riverfront amid the city’s St. Patrick’s Day celebration. “Who’s the birthday girl?” yelled Savannah Mayor Van Johnson, interrupting an interview he was conducting with me. “This one!” they yelled, pointing to one girl holding a pink beverage.…
DetailsAs I sit down to write this column on an early morning Saturday in March 2021, one thing is for certain: I’m not cleaning the bathroom this weekend. No, bathroom cleaning takes place on the weekends that I’m not producing approximately 650 words of, hopefully, humor. So, two Saturdays a month, I write; two Saturdays…
DetailsThank you, Ted Cruz, for making it even more difficult to plan my next vacation. By now, everyone with electricity and Wi-Fi — two luxuries still missing for thousands in the Texas senator’s home state — are aware of Cruz’s spontaneous decision to flee to the Ritz-Carlton in Cancun, Mexico for a family getaway, leaving…
DetailsBack in 2018, when he was happily cancer free, the late Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek announced he was pondering retirement. Immediately I began polishing my resume. In an earlier column, I pleaded with executives at Sony Pictures Television, distributors of the popular quiz show, to consider an unknown host for the role. Specifically, me. Someone…
DetailsThe hardware store employee approached, noting the confusion on my face. It’s a look that just happens naturally the moment I enter any store that smells of lumber. “What can I help you find today?” he said. “The Diet Coke button,” I said. “Excuse me?” I repeated my request, glancing at my watch while doing…
DetailsJanuary is always the month where I say I’m going to change my eating habits — for good as opposed to for 48 hours. That usually involves finding an app that will guide me through the slimming process. I like this method because, when I don’t see results, I can blame it on my phone…
DetailsThis time next year, anyone landing in Texas may be faced with a very long walk through the airport, a journey that culminates in a large room and an interview with a suspicious Texas ranger who demands to know just what you’re planning to do in the Lone Star state. Ditto for anyone attempting to…
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