An ominous gurgling emanated from the toilet, which meant I had only minutes to act before water and Lord-only-knows-what-else cascaded over the bowl and onto the floor. I grabbed my smartphone and did the obvious: Call a plumber? No. Email my general contractor? No. Log on to YouTube? Absolutely. I seem to rely on…
DetailsThe Starbucks was buzzing, which was to be expected considering it was just after 8:30 a.m. Still, the line moved swiftly, and within moments, the only customers ahead of me were a woman and her preschool-aged son. She ordered first. “Triple Grande skinny Caramel Macchiato, low foam.” I silently vowed this would be the day…
DetailsI am issuing a challenge to our nation’s standup comedians. Before you accept, I suggest you call, email, text and tweet the best joke writers you know because you’re going to need them. Ready? Here’s your task: Make somebody laugh in Lamaze class. If that’s too tough, find a yoga class and perform your best…
DetailsMy room contained everything one would expect in a five-star property: terrycloth robes emblazoned with the hotel’s logo, slippers precisely placed at the foot of the bed and enough fluffy towels to dry all exposed body parts individually, if that’s what you’re into. A floral scent was noticeable throughout. “This is living,” I thought, as…
DetailsI have dreaded this day ever since she got her driver’s permit. It’s one thing to let your daughter drive slowly around the neighborhood with her dad in the passenger seat repeating, “Slow. Slow. SLOW!!!” It’s another to see her proudly displaying her license and imploring me to let her drive somewhere, anywhere, by herself.…
DetailsI strode through the hotel lobby in a black, sharply tailored Hugo Boss suit. It was Saturday night and I was headed to the ballroom to deliver a keynote address for more than 800 convention attendees. Suddenly I heard a voice from behind. “Sir?” I turned to see a middle-aged woman quickly approaching. “Yes?” “Where…
DetailsTHIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST MAY 22, 2013 “Attention gentlemen, this initiation meeting of the Male Golfers are Pigs Society is now officially in session. Grab a beer from the keg and let’s begin. As you know, golf season is in full swing — that was a pun. Get it? —…
DetailsEach week I begrudgingly sift through my spam email folder, verifying that nothing of importance inadvertently landed there. Occasionally I get a surprise e.g. MR. SCHWEM PLEASE CONTACT THE SCHOOL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. That one went undiscovered for three days; luckily the school nurse also has my cell number. Not only does scanning the…
DetailsI sat my daughter down for one of those heart to heart Dad talks that invariably begin with five simple words: “Stop looking at your phone.” Mission accomplished I pressed onward. “Vacation begins in a month honey. Now that you’re 16, have you thought about a summer job?” “Absolutely,” she replied, much to my amazement.…
DetailsIt appears iconic Wrigley Field, home of a baseball team that hasn’t won a World Series since text messaging was performed via carrier pigeon and smoke signals, is finally going to look like a normal ballpark. Cubs owner Tom Ricketts recently forged a deal with Chicago officials to renovate the crumbling structure and include, among…
DetailsWelcome to the School of How to Correctly Form a Line. Please find your seats and let’s get started. I’d have you all line up, but clearly you are incapable of doing that, which is why you have been ordered to attend this one-day seminar that covers a single concept: standing between two people and…
DetailsMy favorite part of the day is first thing in the morning when I open my various inboxes and social media accounts to see what landed there during the night. Typically the contents determine how I will approach the days and weeks ahead. Which is why you will soon see me competing in the Masters…
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