Growing up, my father consistently relied on the same threat when he found fault with behavior or actions that displeased him. Fists balled and facial muscles contorted, he would vigorously shake a finger in my direction and scream, “You’re looking at a one-way ticket to the moon, buster!” tossing in a few muttered obscenities for…
DetailsTO: ALL PUBLIC SCHOOL PARENTS FROM: ALL PUBLIC SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENTS RE: SCHOOL SUPPLIES Greetings, parents! It’s hard to believe the new school year is upon us. It seems like only yesterday your children left for vacation and we began our annual summer ritual of slashing budgets, eliminating gifted programs, firing art and music teachers, and…
DetailsThe elevator door opened and out stepped a middle-aged man, a teenage girl and a boy no older than 10. None were related but all shared one trait: a smartphone held inches from their nasal cavities and brows knit in extreme concentration. Had I been standing there wearing nothing but a fig leaf while holding…
DetailsPope Francis recently completed his first international trip, a weeklong jaunt to Brazil that included adulation, spirituality and, if you were the pontiff’s chauffeur, utter embarrassment. Francis’ driver, you may have heard, took a wrong turn while transporting the pope to the Rio de Janeiro city center. Okay, Francis didn’t exactly end up in Peru–the driver merely…
DetailsIt took only half a century, but at long last, I know a guy. For years I could only listen at block parties as my neighbors spoke glowingly of “the guy” who combined superior knowledge with cost savings one would only find at thrift stores. Ray knew a guy who was a wiz at fixing…
DetailsSummer means barbecuing, an activity that I recently discovered is wonderful for people with absolutely nothing else going on in their lives. I seriously thought 2013 would be the year my wife got a break from cooking between June 1 and Labor Day. She encouraged my desire to share the culinary duties, agreeing that it was time to…
DetailsI have frequented numerous Apple stores around the country but, because I do not have employee status, have never seen a back office, stock room or break area. Should this occur, I’m convinced I would also observe a grainy, black-and-white photo of my mother adorning the bulletin board, complete with the following text: “WARNING: 77-year-old…
DetailsAlmost every single morning, I fire up my computer to see the release of some new study whose results could easily be summed up in one word: Really? Thanks, University of Manitoba, for your study concluding that people who are bullied at work are more likely to quit their jobs. Really? And kudos to researchers…
DetailsAnother search for Jimmy Hoffa ended recently, with federal authorities once again facing the cameras to say what has become commonplace since the ex-Teamsters’ boss disappeared back in 1975: no, they didn’t find Hoffa’s remains or anything that would lead them to believe they are any closer to solving the nearly 40-year-old mystery. Each time…
DetailsAn ominous gurgling emanated from the toilet, which meant I had only minutes to act before water and Lord-only-knows-what-else cascaded over the bowl and onto the floor. I grabbed my smartphone and did the obvious: Call a plumber? No. Email my general contractor? No. Log on to YouTube? Absolutely. I seem to rely on…
DetailsThe Starbucks was buzzing, which was to be expected considering it was just after 8:30 a.m. Still, the line moved swiftly, and within moments, the only customers ahead of me were a woman and her preschool-aged son. She ordered first. “Triple Grande skinny Caramel Macchiato, low foam.” I silently vowed this would be the day…
DetailsI am issuing a challenge to our nation’s standup comedians. Before you accept, I suggest you call, email, text and tweet the best joke writers you know because you’re going to need them. Ready? Here’s your task: Make somebody laugh in Lamaze class. If that’s too tough, find a yoga class and perform your best…
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